Webdiary - Founded and Inspired by Margo Kingston

"They’d sent out about 3,000 black spots in the last week and Blind Pugh had worn his white cane down to the size of a pencil stub. It was looking increasingly like they had found a bloke who knew a chap who had a friend who had had a conversation once with someone who actually knew what was going on. There was a real and present danger that the truth would out." From Chapter X of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Mr Board’s crucial role, however, was to ensure that no-one was ever told about the scheme or knew anything about it. He was vastly experienced in these things having already been sent on trade missions about which he knew nothing to places as far afield as Mesopotamia and Persia. Little Johnnie thought it was a pity that we didn’t have Imperial Honours anymore because Mr Board definitely deserved a knighthood for this one. The Treasury Secretary said it would be sufficient reward to put him on the Board of the ABC and make him a Governor of the Reserve Bank. Mr Board liked that idea very much as he hadn’t been sacked as a CEO for a long time and could do with the cash. " From Chapter IX of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Suddenly, it seemed, the US Supreme Court had started the job for him without warning or any chance of a fair hearing according to decently accepted principles of international law actually accepted by actual international lawyers actually. The Ship of State was adrift without a Ruddock." From Chapter VIII of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Nadir being a magical land, strange things were apt to happen on its periphery where it intersected the space-time continuum near the place we know as Canberra, the home of the House On the Hill or rather, in it." From Chapter VII of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Alexander had wandered away from the other children in search of the Fruits of Office. He supposed that the most likely way of satisfying what had by now become an almost insatiable craving was to find where the Queen lived. He had a notion that he would find her house in the electorate of Bennelong and had walked and walked and walked." From Chapter VI of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"British interests were still threatened in Canada, which the American Colonies shortly after purporting to declare independence had invaded (one of their first of many demonstrations of a bellicose foreign policy evident even today), the Spanish and their Caribbean and South American interests were sometimes a fickle friend and later a foe and there was the ever-present threat that the French would launch a nuisance attack on His Majesty’s possessions in the Great South land." Malcolm B Duncan

"One of the most difficult things in the world (apart from getting the top off an old milk bottle without tearing it or throwing up) has always been sexing a beaver. Corder, however, was an expert beaver-sexer and had, from an early age (strangely on an exchange trip to a wheat farm in Canada), learnt that the key was that beavers (naturally because of their diets) always smell of fish." From Chapter V of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Meanwhile, on the other side of the cabinet, Peter and Amanda had found an illegal immigrant and were torturing it. Peter was taking money out of its pockets while Amanda wrapped it tightly in razor wire so that it could not move without cutting itself." From Chapter 4 of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"His colour changed again, this time to the shade that old parchment has after it has been scraped back by obliging novices in a convent. He shuddered and a moment later, his face changed back again to the normal colour of Cabinet Secretaries, finely lined by thin red veins pumping port and other spirituous liquors." From Chapter 3 of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"The first rays of the dawning sun began to flood the eastern window of the upstairs bedroom at Kirribilli House spreading a magnificent kaleidoscope of colour above the bed on the opposite wall and highlighting in gold the manacles which hung from the bedhead. Little Johnnie had, of course, been out for his morning walk and his presence in the room carried the stale smell of protective services officers and liniment." From Chapter 2 of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"At 20, I charged into scribbling for student newspapers and radio, and had minor battles with all manner of senior academics, Queensland politicians of any stripe and most memorable of all, a very rough, evil and well-connected lad who was, and remains a member of the Israeli army. He threatened me with a defamation writ for my coverage in Semper Floreat of his bullyboy antics at a Student Council meeting. I wasn't a student at the U of Q at the time, but at the then Institute of Technology, where a notable campus figure was the well-known Bryan Law, who probably still strongly disapproves of my behaviour." Peter Woodforde

"The country had been plunged into war and, to keep the children safe, Peter, Amanda, Alexander and little Lucy had been sent as far from the reality of conflict as possible: Canberra." From Chapter 1 of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis

"Quietly sitting in my eyrie above Fleet Base ensconced at my computer, I heard a strange sound – part cough, part coo – followed by a frenzy of white lightning as Claude the diabetic cat launched himself from complete sleep onto the balcony in attack mode. By the time I levered myself out of the chair, Claude’s fangs were firmly clenched in the body of a plump, exhausted, wheezing, and now bleeding pigeon tuckered out from hauling the large parcel attached to its left leg up to the seventh floor." Malcolm B Duncan

"There is tremendous pressure from the US for our troops to remain in Iraq, and of course mutual loyalty is a vital component of the alliance. But the longer the Coalition of the Willing remains, the more we are detested, and the more blood is shed. The country is already tearing itself apart, so I am asking you, could our departure really make it any worse?" - John Howard did not say any such thing.

"Reports suggest that the small readership this sometime column has attracted has been anticipating further extracts both from the diaries and the despatches of that intrepid clerical spy, Jonathon Yorick DD. For the delay I apologise but I have been much troubled by the dating in Yorick’s manuscripts. For the record, I have had recourse to the following: Evatt  H.V. Rum Rebellion A Study of the Overthrow of Governor Bligh by John Macarthur and the New South Wales Corps 1938 Angus & Robertson Publishers, Australia; Wannan, B Early Colonial Scandals; The Turbulent Times of Samuel Marsden 1962 Lansdowne Press Melbourne; and the incomparably boring left-wing, nation-building twaddle of Manning Clark." Malcolm B Duncan