Webdiary - Founded and Inspired by Margo Kingston

My dearest Psycho,

I hope all is well in the land of the livers and I hope this message finds you not dejected.

As I have been having such a top time at TOP (the other place) I find myself compelled to share some of it with you, and let you in on some wonderful news.

I’m in love – with Claude.

Since our little adventure to Meow Rushmore we have become very close, he really is a sweetie, a real gentlepuss, and more talented than anyone could ever imagine; Claude is definitely the most eunuch feline one could ever meet.

Fortunately I’ve been able to send you a few more pics from TOP but do apologise for the quality. Unfortunately GNNN has been having band width and packet theft problems lately; BOG promised a big roll out but we are still waiting, anyway that’s not important.

Just last night Claude introduced me to something called poker and afterwards pounced on me, played with me (he just loves it when I run) then gobbled me up. I’m used to it now and to be honest rather enjoy being eaten (15 times a day) – what blonde wouldn’t? Though I must admit that piece of sandpaper he calls a tongue took some getting used to.

I always thought Claude was a cranky old smelly predator; it just goes to show: you can’t judge a cat by its lawyer.

That’s Claude below with mnbvcxz; for some reason he said poker required one to take one’s clothes off; it was the first time I had seen him without his kilt and bow, but he is soooo cute, even in his birthday suit.

Guess what Madam dear? Guess where I’ve been; no, you’ll never guess; Claude darling took me to CLUB 27, you of all people will appreciate my excitement. THE CLUB 27 – WOW!

Not only is Claude superlatively thoughtful he is also extremely talented (not only in that way, hehe) for he can sing; I mean he can really belt it out. He impressed Jimmy, Janice, Kurt and Co so much they keep asking him back. Now, Claude is a regular at 27 and late late last night (it’s always last night and always late at TOP) he invited me to perform a duo with him.

Claude insisted I wear one of his bows, don’t you think I’m gorgeous? Though I must admit I was a little apprehensive about the bow, taking into account that my first encounter with a bow ended in tears. But when I saw how classy yours truly looked I became hooked on bows.

Anyway, here we are at CLUB 27 belting out the Hallelujah Chorus and harmonising with eloquent precision; don’t we just look the part?

CLUB 27 is soooo cool.; and it is frequented some superlatively super sick dudes such as Jesus and Muhammad, Zen (Ice to his mates), and even dear old Syd Drate, who they tell me, on arriving at TOP, fronted BOG and gave him one hell of an ear bashing. (I remember Syd writing he would do that if he ever found himself in TOP). BOG looked a little sick they say, and immediately destroyed five universes. Not so much because of dear old Syd, rather BOG’s hair dryer cacked it and boy did that piss him off.

Anyway, Claude and I handelled the Chorus swimmingly and everybody cheered as if we were messiahs: Kurt blew his head off using a double barrel 25 pound cannon (amazing!), Janice smashed a bottle of tequila over Jim M’s head while Brian screamed “Bravo!” then jumped in the pool. Everybody loved our performance, and congratulated us (except Ice; he’s never said anything – ever).

Even Jesus and Muhammad looked happy; and boy do those guys take a lot of cheering up. Since late last night (1,095AD your time) the old pros have been playing backgammon and poor Jesus has never won a game. Jesus won’t give up and Mohammed is too polite to tell him to fuck off. But word has it they have been inseparable since the crusades, all they do is sit there and scratch their heads, roll the dice and share apologetic and cordial conversation between games.

Conversations like:

Mu: Jes, do you reckon our mobs missed the point?

Jes: Yep, totally. You go first Mu.

Mu: Don’t I always.

And

Jes: Bog! That should make it 222,245,333,456,587,345,864,822,347,222 to zip.

Mu (sounding very dejected): I’m really sorry Jes.

Jes (sounding even more dejected): Aren’t we both.

Mu: Maybe you should go back like you promised and sort things out.

Jes: No way, them bastards are crazy.

Mu: Yep. How about you go first this time Jes.?

Jes: Thanks Mu old mate, you’ve always been good to me.

Every now and then dear old Moses pops in and checks on Jes and Mu. On one occasion when Jes was feeling a little insecure Moses got Jimmy H to do a special rendition of Hey Joseph and The Wind Cries Mary. Jes was touched and promised Moses he would take him for noodles at Lao Tzu’s, as soon as he won a “BOG forsaken game” of backgammon. Mu looked on and sighed sympathetically.

Moses sighed also, then wandered off into 40 thousand very late nights; climbed mountains and collected really big rocks; but they were friendly rocks. Moses keeps them as pets for his garden – the flowers and trees adore them, so does Moses – and so does Claude for reasons private.

Butt there is more, A BIG surprise dear Madam M, and you will never guess who turned up, not in a quad zillion years. One Geoff Pahoff dressed in nothing but a charming red, white and blue bow. He looked stunning. Geoff actually snuck in (rear entrance) unnoticed, but to our surprise we all knew something was up (BIG TIME) when an alien voice screamed: “HOLY SHIT!!!!!”

It was Ice, who was shocked into breaking his eternal silence only to disappear in a poof of peace and latent tranquillity (we hoped); he hasn’t been seen (or heard of) since. We reckoned that Ice must have preferred his men in Tweed; but with Ice you can never be sure.

When I saw Geoff; my beak dropped like a ton of anything heavy, for two reasons. The first was bloody obvious for Geoff had not been swimming in the Tweed River, the second because everybody thought that Geoff was still in the land of the liver, but we’ll get back to that one.

It was the first reason that took us all by surprise, so much so a lovely young lady by the name of Linda L took one look at Geoff and was deeply gob smacked. Horrified she turned to Janice and choked: “We all like a challenge but that would be suicide, I’m going holmes.” Janice took a very long swig on a quart bottle of Jack Daniels and rasped: “mmmmmmmmmmmm, whatever.”

Claude was beside himself, and like the gentlepuss he is, immediately offered Geoff his USA flag back, in fact he begged Geoff to take it: “IMMEDIATELY!”

Geoff accepted the flag, thanked Claude and left CLUB 27 (rear exit) and went directly to the garden of Moses. Janice snuck out and shadowed Geoff but thought better of her ambitions when she saw Geoff getting reacquainted with a very dear and loyal four legged pal.

BOG later put us right re the second reason; Geoff had in fact got himself crucified in a suburb neighbouring Potty Point by a somewhat indignant and impatient Scot (who had lost his way to the airport). But BOG assured us it just a Godwin of a bureaucratic fuck up and Geoff was going to be res-erected – but he would have to wait for three days to make sure the crucifixion was not a fake. Jes actually giggled when he heard that one while Mu looked over at Jes and grinned.

It was all too much for Claude so he hit the piss big time; he hasn’t been the same since. But he’ll cum good; he always does – or at least tries his hardest. Just look at those eyes; if that is not a cat ravished by passion then I don’t know what is.

To tell you the truth dear Psycho, I’m as clucky as a 222,222,222 swans. We already have a name picked out: Claudrey Catross – it fits perfectly – it was always meant to be.

Oh, Claude just surfaced; I gotta run, hehe…

Love and pecks

Audrey

PS Can’t wait to send the pics of CC – when and if it arrives.