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An albatross swan song – Verse 9: Mission accomplished – and home again
An albatross swan song
After my little episode at Starbucks Pumpkin decided we should go home and promptly packed our bags then took me to the airport; besides, we had achieved all our goals. I, OK, we, OK, Pumpkin had solved the mystery of her Flying Dragon Ghost and my pink elephants had disappeared. I was convinced that goldenelephant shit could fix just about anything. My new Duck was probably the real McCoy after all.
I decided to fly back under my own gas. So I waddled out onto the main runway where I flapped and spluttered and fluttered and farted. However, being weighed down by all those dead animals I couldn’t even manage a Spruce Goose. I barely made it off the deck.
Pumpkin rescued me and booked us a flight to
Going through airport security was an absolute buzz. A cute little security guard decided to pat me down. She pattered under my wings, down my torso and then very carefully ran her hands up and down my legs. It was about then I felt something drop, twice. I looked down and saw an AK 47 in my pocket (OK a derringer) which went completely unnoticed by the security guard.
I decided it would be best to line up again and give her a chance to do her job properly but she called me back and mumbled something about the Society Of Dirty Old Men and told me to “wack off” ‘wise I’d be sent to Starbucks.
The flight home was uneventful although I did get distracted by a gremlin that happily tampered with the starboard engine. I took another doubleheadedgoldenelephant to fix the gremlin problem then drifted off into a twilight zone and dreamt of flying dragons ghosts, my beautiful wife, goldenelephants and getting very rich indeed. Everything was good.
When we arrived safely back home I was feeling like a million quid, but I realised all was not well. I had my arms back now as well as my very expensive toes and a couple of brand new gonads. No pink elephants anymore but I was honest enough with myself to realise I had a golden elephant problem – big time.
I tracked down my Psych/o, Madam Morpheus, who had recently moved to new rooms at Potty Point. I was told she negotiated a really good deal with the previous tenant; a dude from the Royal Bank of
I marched into my Psych/o's waiting room; her office door was closed but I could hear her chatting on the phone and laughing. I opened the door; she turned around, saw me and immediately looked dejected.
“Hello Justin, what can I do for you this time?” she said in a somewhat defeated manner while hanging up the phone.
“I have a problem, Doc,” said I.
“Yes Justin and what would that problem be – this time?” she inquired in a most patient and deliberate tone.
I told her all about my unbelievable adventure in
After telling Madam Morpheous my story she said, “Mmmmmmmm, it sounds like you had a wonderful time, Justin.”
“But it was too good to be true, Doc. You see, my new Duck got me addicted to doubleheadedgoldenelephants and the whole adventure was probably just another beautiful hallucination,” I admitted.
“Doubleheadedgoldenelephants – what exactly are double headed golden elephants, Justin?” she inquired.
I pulled a couple of little paper packets from my pocket and said, “Here, try one.”
Madam Morpeus studied the small paper packet for about three seconds then laughed her head off. I’d never observed her looking so happy. Sheesh I thought, this stuff really is powerful – it cured my Psych/o as well.
“Oh Justin, you are such a goose,” she laughed, which I thought was highly unprofessional of her. Anyway as I had now returned to a human incarnation such a comment did not faze me at all.
“Here, have a look for yourself, and here, you can borrow my glasses. I expect you forget to bring yours – as usual. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Justin,” she said while handing back the small paper packet along with her specs:
I put on her spectacles and read out loud the small print that I had previously missed:
Herring bone powder of the highest quality
Mmmmmmm I thought and immediately pictured the 226 +1 sampans sailing happily to a secret location near
Madam Morpheus was still laughing her head off but regained her composure long enough to assure me, “See Justin, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your golden elephants were nothing more than a health supplement. Everything you experienced on your adventure was totally real.”
Wow, I thought, reality can be a real mind fuck at times – but what can you do?
Madam continued: “Now that you’re back to your old self – who or what would you like to be next, Justin?”
“Johnny Depp” I said with enthusiasm.
“That would be perfect, Justin. Johnny Depp it is.”
I must admit I was a little disappointed about the 226+1 sampans and the healthy cargo but you can’t have everything, I suppose. At least I had my sanity and finally I was cured. I was happy and once again I was a compleat human being. Everything was good. On that note I got up from the couch and headed for the door only to hear Madam Morpheus call out, “Johnny!” “Yepp,” I said right back at her.
“Haven’t you forgotten something?” and then she reminded me of her unpaid fees.
“How about we settle for a dead albatross and a bottle of
“That would be perfect, thanks, Johnny.”
“Xie xie, Dr Reynolds, for listening. You’ve been an absolute dream,” I replied, and then took my leave.
I walked out of Dr Reynolds’ office feeling like, like Johnny Depp and pretended not to notice the Taoist magic man sitting in her waiting room and impatiently tapping his foot.
Everything was good.
Finally: The Ghost of Audrey Albatross gets bitchy.
The Game of your Life
"What are fears but voices airy?
Let’s play a game:
Pop down to your nearest sports store; buy a bow and one arrow (on credit) and get back home ASAP.
Give the bow and arrow to you partner, or friend, anyone will do and then go out into the back paddock.
Get your friend to load the arrow into the bow then draw the stringy thing back as far as possible. Then get your friend to aim the arrow directly at your beating heart. Tell your friend to let go of the stringy bit.
Come back and tell me how you feel.
The albatross, in human mythology, incites mental imagery of a burden hanging around one’s neck. People make jokes about us and it hurts. It’s a bum rap really and that Coleridge guy has a lot to answer for. Why not a seagull or penguin? But an albatross it was. In fact, it was me and it’s time we sorted some stuff out.
Firstly, did you play my little game? Why not?
At least I let you in on my game; you knew what the consequences would be. Don’t you think it’s sad that you guys didn’t give me the same courtesy? Nope, you simply crucified me, and it hurt. And then you made a joke of it, and that hurt too.
Right up to the moment of my demise I trusted you. If you remember we got off to a flying start. I was wandering around the mall just like any other blonde and happened upon your good selves sailing in your ship.
It was all good for a while. I did tricks for you and you feed me all sorts of exotic food. It was fun. And I never missed vespers nine by moonlight. It was ever so romantic. Golden times they were. I truly believed our relationship was based on honesty and trust; the (necessary) seed crystal of intimacy and love. I felt secure.
And then it all went pear shaped, you started to play a very silly and dangerous game – with yourselves. Sadly, for me, you didn’t realise you were playing the game. For no good reason you chose me as the perpetrator of your own stupidity. You allowed your fears and superstitions to justify the cold blooded murder of an innocent life – me.
And to make things worse I have become an insidious archetype of ridicule. Is that how human beings play their game? Draw you into their confidence then take you for all you’re worth and more?
They say life is a game and I suppose it would be hard to disagree. I suspect the challenge is being aware if one is participating in a game; and knowing the players (your competitors) and rules – for games usually have winners and losers.
Unfortunately, those who prefer not to play games will be disappointed, for in the real world individuals are being constantly drawn into the games of others; the political game, the religious game, the games our corporations play and the games we play with each other.
Life is a competition and sadly the rules are nebulous and favour the well informed, cunning, connected, deceitful, manipulative, and in many cases the mean and brutal. These are the types who (in general) rise to the top; these are the ones many choose to follow. Mostly we end up disappointed then have to cop it on the chin.
The game of life is unavoidable but we can mitigate the (destructive) games we play in our personal lives – our direct relationships. We have a choice: to play or not to play. Once again one must know if one is playing a game, and if so what is motivating the game, otherwise the consequences are quite often unfortunate.
The self personality quite often acts as a very selective filter, a personal censor, distorts stuff and creates unnecessary conflict. Many of us end up playing games with ourselves and don’t even know it. We all know and understand this on an intellectual level but comprehending it from a personal psychological perspective quite often escapes us – to the detriment of our personal lives and relationships.
We seem to find it easy to identify shortcomings in others without even considering we could share same. We think we know how to cure others but find no reason to look at ourselves.
The mitigation of games reduces competition and fosters co-operation. It also reduces conflict, creates stillness and most of all fosters trust. Who do you trust?
They say competition is an excellent catalyst for progress. It would be hard to disagree, for the greatest competition of all – war – has proven to be an excellent accelerator for the sophistication of the art of destruction including socially advantageous stuff as well – but at what cost?
Some games are not worth playing.
It would be very naïve to think we could eliminate games altogether, for our leaders will never allow that, but we can choose not to play some of the unnecessary games, ones that create conflict:
The racist game; the envy game; the get rich at all cost game; the winner take all game; the control game – you know the ones.
They say we are all connected by six degrees, I would argue that in many ways 99% of humanity is connected by nil degrees; it’s just that we are so distracted by the game of life we simply miss the obvious.
There are many good human beings amongst us; human beings like my Dad and The Flying Dragon Ghost who did good and were motivated by the right stuff. There are also many people who have contributed to Webdiary who are decent and understanding human beings – passionate. These are the people we need, people who will play the game in the interests of all; or even better – not play games at all.
On that note it’s now time to withdraw from this little game and disappear into the ether – sometimes games just go round and round.As such I shall bid you farewell and wish you and your loved ones all the joy in all the universes.
Thank you sincerely Margo, Fiona, Richard, Craig, Scott, David, Malcolm, dear Father Park, Kathy, Geoff, Harry, Eliot and all who have sailed in the good ship Webdiary.It’s been an education, fun, and a wonderful opportunity to connect and share.
It’s been said that science begins as philosophy and ends as art. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could turn the science of living into the art of life?