Webdiary - Founded and Inspired by Margo Kingston |
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OLD ALPHONSE’S ALMANACK FOR 2008
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS BUT, OH GOSH, THE NEW YEAR
Oh, my head. And there’s bloody fur everywhere – last time I’m minding that bloody cat while Malcolm and the Squeeze have a few days off.
I think I’m dying. Amyl Nitrate used to be such an amenable drug when I was in my twenties. Turns out it wasn’t a woman at all – still, what can you expect if you live in the Cross and cruise a lot. Not the worst trannie I’ve ever met. It’s always nice exploring to find the bits that are missing and it’s always a lot nicer than finding bits that aren’t – still haven’t gotten over The Crying Game.
Mind you, I’ve still got hopes for a threesome with Margo – just have to find a heterosexual with an Aires in her third House. Or a larger house or something.
I am dying. What’s the point?
Oh, bloody almanack. God I hate deadlines – told you I was dying.
OLD ALPHONSE’S ALMANACK FOR 2008.
January
Kevin Rudd visits Rome. Does Tony Blair, The Pope and Pell – three in one – and only one of them has ever been near Trinity. Therese Rein converts to Presbyterianism – sells job network to Putin.
Janette Howard submits successful bid for Kirribilli House – Leonader Collins lists on Stock exchange. Paul Keating tenders for renovation contract.
February
Julia Gillard, in reprise, makes surprise visit to ASIO.
Kevin Rudd visits Nome, Alaska.
March
Night of the Long Knives celebrated in Black Mass in Wentworth. Cat problem solved.
Kevin Rudd visits Orkneys – fails to turn back tide. He’s f’n Canute says local.
April
Putin celebrates “revised” Easter.
Kevin Rudd visits Reykjavik.
May
Kevin Rudd’s Visa bill arrives. “Red Ted” Swan declares state of emergency and privatizes Unions. Martin Ferguson sent for speech therapy. “Union Mooment” over says Gillard.
In surprise move, Kevin Rudd visits Australia.
June
Workchoices given to 150,000 public servants. Kevin Rudd visits Lakemba – Iemma reported to be over half the moon – just a crescent really says O’Farrell.
July
In shock move all state Governments go to the polls and lose to the Fred Nile party. Kevin Rudd visits Ulster.
August
Hillary Clinton has skin colour change. I’m the old Obama says Obama. Clinton, in a move of reconciliation, adopts George W Bush as VP running mate. I did it for California she says.
Kevin Rudd visits citrus belt – I knew Mandarin would come in handy he says.
September
Therese Rein becomes Buddhist. Kevin Rudd visits the children.
Julia Gillard gazettes rules allowing her to become Marriage Celebrant – I thought it was time I married she says.
October
US elections. Fred Nile says “anyone can become President of the United States.” Thomas Jefferson’s real will discovered – slaves posthumously emancipated. Julia Gillard says he had no choice really.
November
Shock coup sees Malcolm Turnbull elected Leader of the Opposition - in Burma. Kevin Rudd visits Christmas Island and welcomes Burmese cat refugees.
December
We all sit down, have a few drinks and a jolly good laugh as about 5% of the troops come home. Stock market crashes. Kevin Rudd visits Otago. Julia Gillard revokes his visa. Rudd deported after failing dictation test – becomes Messiah-at-large. Red Ted arrested on corruption charges. It’s time we took serious steps to re-build the Party says Brendan Nelson.
And Happy Hogmanay to all 13 of our readers.
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Coming up for air
I went to a marvellous NYE party - thank you again to Jenny Hume and Ian MacDougall for their magnificent hospitality.
Malcolm B Duncan has already done the music and conversation reviews; nevertheless I shall add my mite: David Curry's guitar playing was entrancing, while Ian MacDougall's playing and singing moved me to tears. It was wonderful to see Margo looking so happy and enthusiastic, and also good to meet up with the odd lurker (dare I designate you as such, Suzanne?).
Meanwhile, M. de Ponce, either Eliot Ramsey is right and Mr Rudd's done a Cheshire on us, or else he's going to be a busy wee laddie for the next fortnight and a bit ...
Would you be prepared, at this early stage, to hazard a guess about additional developments? The one that I'm predicting at the moment is not merely the Jensenist split of the Anglicans, but the appearance of a new ultra-catholic and apostolic Jensen-Pell Church. Think of the economies of scale - but which would they keep - St. Mary's or St. Andrew's; St. Paul's or St. Patrick's? Not sure which of each pair would be more easily converted to apartments.
You are more than welcome any time, Fiona
Fiona, thank you for your lovely kind words. You and the colourful motley aforementioned crew you refer to are more than welcome any time. Also thank you and all for the pleasure of your company. Next time we must have a David Curry - Malcolm B Duncan guitar and war pipes combo. If I can persuade the Governor-General to attend, it can be by vice-regal command. The CD should sell billions.
I wrote all that off the cuff, without draft, draught, dram or notes.
Fiona: I am truly impressed, Ian. Hope the dams are still full.
Carpeted
Fiona, we are carpeted in long green grass, ten dams full - but 21,000 cubic metres is seemingly not enough to coax one fat green amphibian from the loo.
As for Alphonse, as I recall Suzanne had him out on the count of ten. But he is excused - this time. Must have been the malt as the neighbours are still recovering.
Was a great evening. You and Shirley were a fine duo.
Till we meet again.........
Richard: This year, Jenny, I'm coming too!
From Ian's identity Richard
Richard. Too hot here in front of a screen, so won't change identities, so from both of us you will be most welcome.
Richard: I'm honoured, madame! Hmm, never said that to anyone with a bloke's name before. It feels a bit creepy, Jenny ;)
Rates
The Good life
Not this one
Allan Curran.. sorry, but there's no way you can pin this one on The Rudds. Cheney, yes, Howard, yes, Rann, yes. I suppose Mitsubishi might have something to do with it. However, it's been an impending train wredk for four years.
Waiting for the announcement ... what a sad day.
Why not
Richard Tonkin, why can't I pin this on Rudd? He blamed Howard for all the rate rises last year, and will probably blame Howard for the Mitsubishi closure too. Listening to Rudd and Swan waffle on does not fill one with a lot of confidence in them. Then when talking to Kerry O'Brien last night, Rudd suddenly realised that it was the Reserve Bank that was responsible for rate rises. However, we all know that interest rates are always higher under Labor.
Rating rates
How could one?
You might say that; I couldn't possibly comment.
However, M. de Ponce, I would appreciate it if you would turn your mind to my question of 13 January 2008 - a matter even more relevant in light of the Sydney archbishoprick's pronouncement regarding the Lambeth conference:
I await your response with bated breath.
On Moderating Hogmanay
Good Luck, Fiona!
It's like an end-of-season Neighbours cliffhanger. Who will survive for next year's season? Will Malcolm be able to extract his bagpipes? Will Ian still be able to sing after fifty whiskies? Will Fiona start channelling Charlie Manson?
I can't wait for Season 2008. Have a good time, folks!
Fiona: We will do our poor best, Richard.
Advice
Too darned hot...
Were the weather cooler, I would take your advice, Richard, which I presume entails my emptying the contents into myself first, then laying about with the dead marine...
I suspect it is a night for fizz - and thank goodness I am in Canberra rather than in the southern capitals.
To all Webdiarists and lurkers, Happy New Year, and here's hoping for a wondrous 2008.
Modus Operandi
My god, Fiona, what do they teach in psychology courses these days? While your approach may be nearly equally effective, I was more tending towards the notion that it's hard to be argumentative while bonding through sharing. That and the surprise factor of having a snifter shoved in your hand while you're "shaping up.". However if we do decide to take on regular security guards, I know who to call first :)
I have a cowardly-yet-gentle approach to protagonists of fisticuffs. I let them know that if they hit me I shall probably fall down and they'll be charged with assault when the police arrive. The last bit is never necessary, as nobody "old school" wants to snot somebody who's already admitted defeat. They'd rather have a port and talk about it. Except for the bloke who thumped Mum, first in her sixty years in the pub game. Dad beat the crap out of him.
Still alive, Richard Tonkin
Hospitality was wonderful, conversation variable, music and singing (apart from mine) acceptable - and they fed us meat. There was a hell of a lot of Malt drunk though and I did rather enjoy spraying Arpege down Margo's, well, cleavage, I suppose you'd call it but you have to pull the designer-shirt towards you first.
Lesson for journalists: never accept a present unless it's on a lobby basis.
The pipes the pipes are calling but the lungs and the fingers have to get into better practice. And Dr Reynolds needs to understand a thing or two about pitch - would you go to war with a finely tuned harpsichord leading you?
And the very best for 2008 for all our readers - even if they don't (or didn't) get Arpege - rather like the girlie at the counter at DJ's who told me she'd never heard of it - strange place the Nation's Capital.
Oxford Street
That Wandering Rudd
Alphonse missed this one: a letter in the SMH & Age from :
Ashley Arthur Early Morning Centre, Nicholls (ACT)
"Just as one might question whether a falling tree makes a sound if there is no one there to hear it, one may wonder whether a politician smiles if there is no one there to record it. Well, yesterday at least, one did.
While most were sleeping in and trying to recover from the gluttony of Christmas Day, Kevin Rudd was serving breakfast to the homeless. There were no media, just a few security personnel. He handed out the Boxing Day fare and listened intently and with respect while guests and fellow volunteers told him their life stories and commented on how he was doing. While we make sport of our political leaders, and such criticism is healthy in a democracy, we perhaps need to show respect where it is due. Our elected officials are not always self-serving egomaniacs."
Think back to the past few years when every movement of Australian troops either arriving, departing or simply lining up for parade and there was the 2nd longest serving Australian Prime Minister John Howard-despite it actually being the Governor General's job ( whoever he is) to bid farewell our troops.
Alphonse also missed the continuing re-writing of history by a host of political reporters from Malcolm Farr, Denis Shanahan, Peter Hartcher etc who are hastily denying they ever were attendees of the Howard Love-In.
At least Piers Ackermann is consistent and hasn't joined in that unseemly rush although as one reader responded today to yet another Rudd bashing and attack upon the new Labor government -"shock horror, Piers has attacked the Federal government for the first time in 11 years"!
Missed?
Michael de Angelos, not only did I not miss the letter, I was outraged by it but had the good taste not to comment. If Ruddy wants to do his "good works" unseen, let no-one comment on them, particularly the parasites who earn a living out of the poor, the destitute and the lonely. If he really wanted to do something useful why not buy them a house or a kitchen or something or give them a purpose in life? Let's face it: he's not short of a quid.
As far as the commentariat go - do you really still read them? I usually only see them up Oxford Street the worse for wear at 3 in the morning. Sheehan's usually drinking that water he promotes - piss poor if you ask me.
Happy Birthday Hamish
Not Only That But Also...