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OLD ALPHONSE’S ALMANACK FOR 2008
WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS BUT, OH GOSH, THE NEW YEAR
Oh, my head. And there’s bloody fur everywhere – last time I’m minding that bloody cat while Malcolm and the Squeeze have a few days off.
I think I’m dying. Amyl Nitrate used to be such an amenable drug when I was in my twenties. Turns out it wasn’t a woman at all – still, what can you expect if you live in the Cross and cruise a lot. Not the worst trannie I’ve ever met. It’s always nice exploring to find the bits that are missing and it’s always a lot nicer than finding bits that aren’t – still haven’t gotten over The Crying Game.
Mind you, I’ve still got hopes for a threesome with Margo – just have to find a heterosexual with an Aires in her third House. Or a larger house or something.
I am dying. What’s the point?
Oh, bloody almanack. God I hate deadlines – told you I was dying.
OLD ALPHONSE’S ALMANACK FOR 2008.
Kevin Rudd visits Rome. Does Tony Blair, The Pope and Pell – three in one – and only one of them has ever been near Trinity. Therese Rein converts to Presbyterianism – sells job network to Putin.
Janette Howard submits successful bid for Kirribilli House – Leonader Collins lists on Stock exchange. Paul Keating tenders for renovation contract.
Julia Gillard, in reprise, makes surprise visit to ASIO.
Kevin Rudd visits Nome, Alaska.
Night of the Long Knives celebrated in Black Mass in Wentworth. Cat problem solved.
Kevin Rudd visits Orkneys – fails to turn back tide. He’s f’n Canute says local.
Putin celebrates “revised” Easter.
Kevin Rudd visits Reykjavik.
Kevin Rudd’s Visa bill arrives. “Red Ted” Swan declares state of emergency and privatizes Unions. Martin Ferguson sent for speech therapy. “Union Mooment” over says Gillard.
In surprise move, Kevin Rudd visits Australia.
Workchoices given to 150,000 public servants. Kevin Rudd visits Lakemba – Iemma reported to be over half the moon – just a crescent really says O’Farrell.
In shock move all state Governments go to the polls and lose to the Fred Nile party. Kevin Rudd visits Ulster.
Hillary Clinton has skin colour change. I’m the old Obama says Obama. Clinton, in a move of reconciliation, adopts George W Bush as VP running mate. I did it for California she says.
Kevin Rudd visits citrus belt – I knew Mandarin would come in handy he says.
Therese Rein becomes Buddhist. Kevin Rudd visits the children.
Julia Gillard gazettes rules allowing her to become Marriage Celebrant – I thought it was time I married she says.
US elections. Fred Nile says “anyone can become President of the United States.” Thomas Jefferson’s real will discovered – slaves posthumously emancipated. Julia Gillard says he had no choice really.
Shock coup sees Malcolm Turnbull elected Leader of the Opposition - in Burma. Kevin Rudd visits Christmas Island and welcomes Burmese cat refugees.
We all sit down, have a few drinks and a jolly good laugh as about 5% of the troops come home. Stock market crashes. Kevin Rudd visits Otago. Julia Gillard revokes his visa. Rudd deported after failing dictation test – becomes Messiah-at-large. Red Ted arrested on corruption charges. It’s time we took serious steps to re-build the Party says Brendan Nelson.
And Happy Hogmanay to all 13 of our readers.