Published on Webdiary - Founded and Inspired by Margo Kingston (/cms)

She's back! Polly Bush imagines the big day

By Polly Bush
Created 23/11/2007 - 17:14

Saturday, November 24 2007


Wipe eyes, and wipe away the sticky haze of what seems the longest and most tedious election campaign on record.

Roll over, pick ear wax, but don’t eat it.

Wonder if on Sunday morning, big burly criminal types will knock on my door, roaring ‘We’re baaaaaaaaaaack!’, and take me away.

Marvel for a moment if it has all been a dream – wondering how the same party, that in just 2004 had mad-bad no-arselicker (nor ear-picker) Mark Latham driving the destined train wreck, followed by a token throwback to not-so-bad Bomber Beazley, was suddenly transformed to being led by a bloke who doesn’t seem the slightest bit concerned that he’s a bit like John Howard, only younger and, possibly, nerdier.

Snicker at the possibility of having a PM named ‘Kevin’ or ‘Krudd’ for short. Wonder if ‘Krudd’ could become new Aussie vernacular for ‘ear wax’.

Mad-Bad Mark ‘That’s Not A Real Handshake’ Latham labelled Election 07 the ‘Seinfeld Election’, or the election about ‘nothing’. Comparisons to Seinfeld are certainly relevant, especially when character Elaine’s crazy dancing style is matched to Maxine McKew’s jig in the streets of Bennelong (thank you ABC’s Insiders, for providing the footage). 

In terms of other TV comparisons, Kackie Jelly seems to think it’s a ‘Chaser’ style election. Me thinks Howard and Rudd’s style is more on par with ‘Revenge of the Nerds’, complete with a strip club, where miraculously no naked women are sighted.

In this haze of nerds, wonder if Wayne Swan was once seriously cool, as his leader and fellow past Nambour High classmate declared. Next to John Howard and Kevin Rudd, guess that it’s not too hard to imagine. 

Brush teeth, and think of Peter Costello. Not his private school smarmy smirk, but his comment about Howard leaving the lid on the toothpaste in their arranged marriage.

Wonder if Peter Costello had been interviewed on Rove this campaign, whether he'd "turn gay" for John Howard. Shudder.

Put on watch. Think of Tony Abbott.

Put on deoderant. Think of Peter Garrett.

Late Morning:

Get up, not GetUp!, and have coffee. Copious amounts of it.

Take Polly dog for a walk, momentarily pausing for a minute’s silence and reflection at the Arthur Calwell Memorial Park up the road. Momentarily curse Kim Beazley for losing the last Labor leadership tussle, as it would have been the perfect setting for an ‘07 wake (with obvious comparisons between Bomber and the other long standing Labor leader, who lost election after election to Menzies).

The park is a sure reminder that the Seat of Melbourne is ol’ Labor country (that, and the local Catholic Church that has a foundation stone laid by none other than Archbishop Mannix). Shiver and wonder again just how Christian Kevin Rudd is.

Wonder whether Kackie Jelly finds jokes about the Catholic Church just as funny as she finds her husband handing out flyers bashing Muslims. Nothin’ like a bit of religious vilification in the dying days of a campaign.

Breathing in the old ghosts of local Labor haunts, notice clusters of Greens how-to-vote cards, littering these urban inner-city streets … wonder what green-friendly pulp mill the papers originated from.


Get the Saturday newspapers and settle in.

Notice article on boatpeople being shifted to Christmas Island, and think it’s not really in the spirit of Christmas. 

Experience flashback to Howard’s ‘We Will Decide’ Fist Thumping 2001 ‘Tampa’ election, and note Krudd’s latest ‘Turn the Boats Around’ tough-talk. Sigh.

Late Afternoon:

Despite placards lining the streets, schools, churches, and townhalls being strange hives of Saturday activity, and the sudden eery blackout of no election campaigning … REMIND SELF TO VOTE!

Remember that having the gleeful opportunity to vote out John Howard from office only comes around every three long years. Shake head at the coincidence of my voting history beginning in 1996 and convince self I am not a ‘jinx’.

Race to the polling booth.

Consider disguising dog as a guide dog for the next election, so as to avoid the pamphlet pushers.

Note some hilarious Liberal Party reps handing out how to vote cards, dressed in Osama bin Laden costumes, wearing Kevin 07 T-shirts. Subtle.

Note some hilarious Labor Party reps handing out how to vote cards … wearing Kevin 07 T-shirts. Original. Others embrace a bit more creativity in the ‘new’ generation sense, donning bandanas labelled ‘Economic Conservative’. Yawn. 

Scan crowd for some Democrats reps just out of interest, but note that they just seem to have disappeared.

Find the queue. Wonder if I faint, whether Howard or Rudd will miraculously appear and offer assistance.

In true Howard-voting-spirit ask self ‘what’s in it for me?’. Think what a shame it is that the Seat of Melbourne is not marginal, given that there are so many hospitals in the area.

Mark off name. When the person repeats your name for identification, shout “ME TOO!”. 

Spend some time in the cardboard box – these times don’t come around that often, so why not relish the moment. Pick ear wax. 

Loiter in car park when exiting. Find old copy of Beds are Burning, wind down the windows and pump up the volume with “the Time has come …” lyrics. Have Labor Rep in Kevin 07 T-shirt race over to car, pleading and begging me to turn it down – ‘didn’t I know Peter Garrett had been banished until after the election etc. etc.’ (along with Tony Abbott and now Kackie Jelly). 

Arrive home and really settle in. Ensure serious couch space as this is definitely a night to be in front of the box. Wonder if I’d turn straight for Antony Green, ha. Wonder how the television stations could somehow incorporate the worm into the election coverage. Have piece of paper ready to tally off how many times Rudd and Gillard say, “working families”. 

Put feet up on the coffee table – may as well be comfortable if we are going to suddenly experience a revolution, in the ahem, true sense of the word of course.


Margo: Polly's 2004 election eve piece was Saturday, October 9, 2004 [1]. Her opening statement for the independent Webdiary was Waiting to take us away [1].  Her archive is here [2]. Love you, PB.

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