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Will's Thought Experiment

Will HowardWill Howard is a climate scientist and long-time webdiarist commenter. His previous piece for Webdiary was The Repeal of Israel

by Will Howard

Preface: I decided an "allegorical" approach might be a better one to take with regard to some of the "hot-button" issues that come up repeatedly on Webdiary. I would like to try an experiment, with the consent and cooperation of the editors and other Webdiarists. Instead of replying in the usual way, I would like to treat this as if it were an evolving news story we were following. I would like comments on this piece to be in the form of further press releases, on the same fictional situation. The advantage of this approach is that no one need get into bunfights about the "facts." There are no facts in this contribution. Only the places named actually exist.


AIP (Australian Imaginary Press): Sometime in the Fictional Future

Aboriginal "militants" of the Peoples' Front for the Liberation of Indigenous Australia, based in West Timor, launched a series of rocket attacks on Darwin yesterday from boats in the Timor Sea. They say they are acting on behalf of their aboriginal brothers who have endured centuries of oppression and dispossession from the racist regime in Canberra. Canberra, they say, is the capital of an illegitimate colonialist regime; the rulers of a rogue state whose very existence as a settler society is based on a policy of genocide. They are allied with the Popular Movement for Melanesian Solidarity based in Bougainville, whose Uluru Martyrs' Brigade have claimed responsibility for boat-based suicide bombings on Cooktown and Port Douglas marinas. Both movements have the stated goal of "restoring Australia to its original owners, and ejecting the Anglospherean interlopers."

They have finally decided to act, they say, because they are tired of waiting for "justice." If the centuries-long policies of ethnic cleansing and "apartheid" settlements are not reversed by the criminal regime in Canberra, then those historically wronged must take matters into their own hands. They have decided to attack the "racist" and "Angloist" regime directly to restore their people's valid historical claim to the land.

Following a RAN attack on a West Timor-based boat suspected of carrying portable rockets, the PFLIA leadership in Kupang has issued a communique calling upon the UN Security Council to intervene to stop Australian "war crimes." Spokesmen for the PFLIA claim international law supports their actions, and assert Australia's "cultural genocide" abrogates its right to sovereignty. According to the announcement, "England had no right to solve its convict problem on the backs of the original owners of Australia. These innocent victims had committed no crimes in England. Why weren't these penal colonies established in one of the many other British colonies?" The communique goes on to suggest that all non-indigenous Australians should be relocated to Canada ,India, or possibly Jamaica. (All three were British colonies in 1788.) A spokesmen for the PFLIA said non- indigenous Australians who had been historically victimised by "imperialist oppression," such as Polynesians and Melanesians, would be allowed to stay in Australia on the equivalent of permanent residency visas once the "historical wrongs of 1788" had been righted.

Spokesmen for the governments of Indonesia and Papua New Guinea say they are "helpless" to act against the attackers. Though they "deplore" the attacks and say the deaths of innocent Australians are "regrettable," they warn Australia that any military response could be "disproportionate" and would risk escalating tensions in the region. The UN Secretary General has called on "all sides" to show "restraint" to prevent an escalating "cycle" of violence. Australia's UN Ambassador said his country had "no desire to violate the sovereignty of its neighbor nations" but noted "we have an obligation to defend our citizens."

Residents of Darwin, Port Douglas, and Cooktown have been demanding firmer action against the land bases of the PFLIA and PMMS to bring the attacks to a halt. The evacuation of school-age children and hospital patients from Darwin continued after a day-care centre was hit by a rocket. 23 preschoolers, 11 of them indigenous Australians, were killed. The state and territory governments and Parliamentary delegations of Northern Territory and Queensland issued scathing criticisms of the Government, asking why they have been "abandoned" by Canberra. One Government backbencher from a Far North Queensland electorate, speaking on condition of anonymity, said "If rockets were falling on Melbourne or Sydney, everyone knows damn well there would have been action already. This is just another example of Canberra's neglect of regional Australia."


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I'd have really liked doing a report on how Anna Nicole Smith disgraced herself at the 2009 Walkley Awards by barging on-stage in a drunken rage before shoving Purple Wiggle Jeff from the podium, yelling "Wake up Jeff! You're a bloody disgrace."

Oh well.

Labor Update

ABC News (December 4 2006)

At the Labor Caucus Annual Elect a Leader in Canberra this morning Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard failed to show up, and Kim Beazley was elected leader by one vote.

Apparently he got lost, as he did on Saturday in his own Brisbane electorate where he failed to find his mobile office which was located in another park two blocks away.

Kevin Rudd said “It was all Julia Gillard’s fault as she is very inexperienced in parliamentary matters, but she does have “a bucketload of energy”.

M/s Gillard said “It now gives me a chance in six months to challenge Beazley for the leadership in my own right, and I will have Nicole Kidman as my deputy”.

Enough is enough

Richard:   I happen to think that Geoff's use of my name and Phil's required more than a gentle reminder. The post should have been binned. Apart from the fact that it runs contrary to the theme of the thread, contrary to the guidelines established earlier by Fiona, and sensibly so, it is in essence, tasteless and offensive and I for one think Geoff should apologise. It is really completely unacceptable to seek to villify people in this way, particularly in a public forum. Geoff, as he has stated, may well be comfortable being insulting and offensive to people in a face to face situation but given that this site is moderated I think it behoves those who are moderating to ensure he does not do it here. I really think enough is enough.

Richard:  My aplogies, Roslyn,  I agree.  It will not happen again.


Re: Enough is Enough

Further to this point, you will notice that I used no names at all in my fictional news story. I did this because I wanted to "de-personalise" (if that is the correct term) the discussion as much as possible.

I would like to propose that to the extent names are used, they are clearly and fully fictional. I would even seek to avoid using the names of recognised public figures. This way, I suggest, the discussion is free to be "about" the issues, not "about" individuals such John Howard, Kim Beazley,  Robert Mugabe, Roslyn Ross, or me.

Richard:  Good proposal.  Let's do it.

Apology On Its Way

Roslyn: "...and I for one think Geoff should apologise."

Richard: "... I agree.  It will not happen again."

Just a courtesy note in case anyone was waiting. You will get an apology from me some time after this event, or the next Big Bang, whichever occurs last.

Sorry I can't be more precise than that at this stage. I will keep you posted on any developments.   

Mugabe foreshadows UN Resolution denouncing 'racist' Australia

(AAP-Reuters) The President of Zimbawe, Robert Mugabe, has announced his government's intention to sponsor a draft United Nations resolution denouncing what he calls "the racist entitity 'Australia' as a mechanism of global Zionist Imperialism."

The announcement was made Wednesday at the meeting of the Non Alligned Group of Nations currently underway in Damascus, Syria.

"The white racist occupiers of Gondwanaland (Australia) must realise that their day has come and gone," said President Mugabe.

"Zimbabwe and other progressive member states of the Non-Alligned movement offer their unconditional support to the rightful owners of Gondwanaland."

President Mugabe did not specifically refer to Aboriginal Australians in his announcement.

Zimbabwe's draft UN resolution has received in principle backing from the governments of Syria and Indonesia in advance of a formal session of the Non Alligned Group conference scheduled to discuss the matter Tuesday.

President Mugabwe says he intends to present the draft reolution to a meeting of the UN General Assembly in New York in January.

Meanwhile, a seventy-four year old grandmother has become the first female Australian suicide bomber to blow herself up in the continuing violence in the troubled Sutherland Shire district of Sydney, Australia.

Elsie Murray, a member of the Reconciliation Catholic Church of La Perouse in the Shire, detonated a bomb belt at the entrance of a fast food restaurant in the suburb of Randwick, killing herself instantly and seriously injuring restaurant patrons and staff.

Murray's seventeen year old grandson, Warwick Murray, had previously been killed in violent clashes with pro-White Protestant groups amid Australia's on-going sectarian violence.

The suicide bombing attack has been denounced by Catholic and Protestant leaders.



New Flash Reuters Tuesday 8:07 PM

NewsFlash!! Reuters Tuesday 8:07 PM

Fighting has intensified between gunmen associated with the Peoples' Front for the Liberation of Indigenous Australia and shadowy splinter group, HAKANUS ("Hate And Kill Anyone Not Us") all across West Timor in a brutal struggle for power that analysts say is a symptom of deepening disillusion with corruption within the old guard of the PFLIA. In a war that has been marked by numerous HAKANUS attacks on the civilian population of PFLIA-controlled towns and villages, tit-for-tat atrocities between the two militant rivals appear to have reached a new low of depravity.

Little is known about the HAKANUS organisation except that its natural constituency appears to be indigenous people of mainly Irish and Scottish background. Its members are followers of the fundamentalist Rossilist cult who are required to prayer in the direction of spirtitual home Murwillumbah seven times a day or they cut your head off.

Asked why they appear to spend most of their time killing their own people, and indeed why they revere a Prophet who killed twenty innocent Aboriginal women and children and whose last words were reputed to be "death to al Abo scum", HAKANUS spiritual leader, Ratbag Phil is quoted as saying "Listen mate. We're the kind of people who strap bombs onto 57 year old grandmothers and sit around celebrating when they blow themselves to kingdom come. Read our Charter lately? And you ask me a question like that?"  

Richard: Geoff, a gentle reminder about using Diarists' names in this thread.  I've now broken Fiona's edict once, but won't do so again.

Dee Why burns three days after botched raid

(AAP-Reuters) A third night of street violence has rocked the Sydney beach-side suburb of Dee Why in the aftermath of a botched Australian Defense Forces (ADF) attack on a suspected Freheit Battalion safehouse which left two little girls dead in this mixed European and Polynesian neighbourhood on Thursday.

The attack killed the second in command of the Freheit Battalion's armed wing, Konrad van Pottgeiter, but also resulted in the deaths of four unarmed civilians including the two Tongan-Australian children.

A suspected North Korean agent appears to have escaped the attack unharmed and has fled, according to an ADF spokeswoman.

The children were visiting with an aunt in a neighbouring property to the suspected safe house.

Anger has been mounting among the mixed Tongan and Fijian Polynesian community living in Dee Why in response to a security crackdown on Fijian militants thought to be sympathetic to the anti-Aboriginal Afrikans-Australian population which increasingly supports the Freheit Battalion.

"The Tongan community have attempted to remain aloof from the conflict but are being increasingly drawn into confrontations with local authorities,' said Tongan youth worker Lopeti Kauvaka.

"They don't really wish to side with the Afrikans and the Fijians. If anything, they are sympathetic to the Aborigines in Sutherland Shire, whom they see as fellow indigenous people."

Mr Kauvaka blames heavy handed policing and a lack of cultural awareness on the part of both ADF soldiers and local police for mounting tensions.

"They (the ADF and police) don't seem to be able to tell Tongans and Fijians apart and so they confront anyone looking vaguely Polynesian."

"This trouble has been simmering for some time."

Violence flared on the steets of Dee Why when an ADF special tactics squad fired a laser targeted shoulder mounted missile into the suspected safe house.

The force of the explosion destroyed the heavily-fortified house but also toppled an adjacent three storey apartment building, trapping the two girls and other occupants.

Apart from the children, an elderly European man and an unrelated Tongan woman were killed in the apartment building collapse.

The Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, has expressed "profound regret" at the civilian casualties.

"You have to understand, we are at war," she told a Canberra press conference.

"I am personally very distressed at the civilian deaths."

"I have ordered a full inquiry into the ADF operation, for which I accept full responsibility."

Ms Gillard has been under increasing pressure to crack down on both white supremacist and Aboriginal militants since the murder of high profile Aboriginal artist Tracey Moffat in November.

The leader of the Federal Opposition, Joe Hockey, today described the Gillard government's handling of sectarian conflict in Australia as "tantamount to criminal incompetence" in a fiery Parliamentary session this afternoon.

"While kids lie dead in the rubble at Dee Why, the link man between Konrad van Pottgeiter and his North Korean handlers seems able to act at will - and still roams free," said Mr Hockey.

Street violence in Dee Why over the last three days has seen a number of properties burned and shops looted as well as dozens of Police arrests, mostly of Polynesian youths.

A police officer was reported injured when a Tongan youth threw a concrete stormwater cover at an advancing line of riot control officers.

Local church leaders have called on the NSW Government to include "cultural awareness education" in police training.



Getting history right

Having had a previous comment not accepted because of the premise of this thread I was interested to see a number of posts which fitted into the comment category and so will post a comment myself.

Robyn: Yes, the descendants of Abraham did come from Mesopotamia  and  his descendants include those who follow Judaism and those who follow Islam.

Those early Jews were members of the Semitic tribes and some Jews still have that ancestry today although many do not. Many Arabs, including many Palestinians, also trace their ancestry to Semitic tribes.

Just as all Jews are not semitic neither are all Arabs Muslim, nor all Muslims Arab, nor all Arabs semitic.

The Arab name also has more ancient connections and of course there is a link between Arab and Arabia but many peoples are only classed as Arab because of Arab conquests. There is a link too in the Arab language, just as the Jews are linked by their religion regardless of race.

In addition, just as Jews are not a race, Muslims are not a race and neither are Arabs a race.

Richard: I do not envy Fiona's work moderating this thread over the past few days.  Some posts are still under discussion.   Please be gentle with us, folks.  If we could continue without the veiled personal attacks this thread could become an even more interesting exercise.

Labor comes roaring back into contention

ABC Radio News July 1st.2007)

Kevin Rudd is defeated as opposition leader.

The final straw according to unnamed Labor sources was his endorsement by Philip Adams following on from Alan Ramsay the previous month. One unnamed source saying “It is well known in all political circles that as soon as Philip predicts victory, your gonzo”!

It is believed Labor will opt away from the nerdish bookish type for the more athletic Aussie male friendly. It has been the worst kept secret for several months that Bob Carr would be elevated unopposed. One unnamed female labour source is quoted as saying “If Bob cannot get the female heart racing I don’t know what else outside of HRT can”. “He certainly offers a lot of pluses for both the male and female vote.

Bob Carr has been quoted as stating he would like to pick up the economic credentials Labor offers voters. “Look every man and his dog knows Labor’s economic credentials are completely shithouse“. “That’s got to be improved no doubt“. “With me you have somebody who has worked in both the private and public sectors“. “Shit, at the moment I am earning over five hundred large”. “You really think that is peanuts? You really think a monkey would get a figure like that”?

Carr is believed to want a total change from previous government arrangements. “Look, f### the Treasury or the auditors, who listens to those people anyway“? “Look how I ran NSW, and your going to tell me that joint ain't now the cats pyjamas”? “And since I have been working at the bank I have learnt all kinds of new and exciting shit“. “I say bugger it, I’am staying in this job and am going to run the whole thing when elected straight out of this office”. “Shit if Clover can do something similar, why can’t I? I am heaps smarter”. “And have I mentioned I earn over five hundred large not to mention having one great portfolio”?

Economists are still out on Carr's answer to Australia’s huge deficit problems. Very few have gone on record to make a pronouncement one way or the other. One unnamed source stating “it is just to early to tell”.

Ex Labor figure and well known friend of Carr, Graham “Richo” Richardson however is not so coy. “Look the whole idea has a great deal of merit”. “Look, Bob’s earning over a million large, at least in the eyes of those pricks down at the tax office, he aint no dope”. The idea in it’s simplicity is f####### brilliant. “You sell everything you can lay your mitts on at better than give away prices to the big Mac“. “Therefore grabbing if not a shit load of cash at least little and re-investing all of it into Mac shares”. Everyone’s a f###### winner mate”.

When quizzed on fee arrangements and possible job offers Richardson becomes vague and agitated. “Why are you pricks attacking me”? “Don’t you know I have a brain condition and cannot remember anything past a day“? “I’am a sick man and you pricks are still looking for your pound of flesh”. Here is a how to vote card now f### off!

(The interview is promptly terminated by Richardson fifteen specialist doctors, thirty nurses and six highly paid QC’s, eight SC‘s and sixteen solicitors)

(Mac Bank shares closing 14 623% up on the previous day)




Funds to PFLIA to be cut off

The Prime Minister announced today that all Centrepoint offices across northern Australia would be closed until further notice. 

Mrs Gohard, acting on the advice of the Minister for Defence, Queensland Senator Cathead,  stated this was necessary in order to cut off the primary source of funds for militants supporting the PFLIA.

The PFLIA plans to send a delegation to Fiji seeking emergency funds to pay the salaries of its officials and men in arms and has lodged a complaint with the UN over Mrs Gohard's action claiming that this is a deliberate strategy to starve the indigenous people into submission.

Meanwhile work has been accelerated by the Gohard Government on the 5 metre high concrete fence which willl follow the old Brisbane line. The remaining white settlers north of that line will be forcibly evicted by soldiers from the elite Special Forces regiment which has recently been recalled from Iran.

Protestors are threatening to fight the evictions and are reportedly gathering at the Birdsnest pub.  It is not known whether the pub can cope with the sudden demand as the Telstra lines have been down for the past week.  

Meanwhile riots have broken out in West Gimme Gimme between warring factions in the PFLIA. Several homes have reportedly been burnt down. Attempts to have the two sides meet to agree to pull together against the "common enemy" appear to have failed. An ABC newman was injured during the riot but is in a satisfactory condition after being evacuated by Careflight helicopter to Girilambone hospital. A reporter from Channel 9 plans to travel to Girilambone to interview him but has yet been unable to locate the outback town. Senator Cathead has offered to provide a camel to assist.  


From Redfern to Rockets

Well, well.  The myth becomes reality. 

A fiercely proud people with deep roots in the land are under attack by boatloads of foreign invaders.  The invaders, in their lust for land and power, kill indiscriminately.  The rightful owners of this great continent, with an unbroken culture stretching back millennia, defend themselves valiantly. 

Except, of course, that the skin colours have been reversed.  You and I – ‘whiteys’, to use the racist parlance of our attackers – are on the receiving end.  The ‘Aborigines’, as they fancifully call themselves, are the invaders. 

Oh, and this is real, folks, not a myth concocted by revisionist historians of the black armband brigade like Henry Penfolds.

The cowardly rocket attack on Darwin by Aboriginal terrorists is the inevitable culmination of generations of pandering to their outrageous demands.  It represents the triumph of the New Racism I identified after the 1994 Redfern riots, the beginning of the rot. 

Actually no, I trace it back further: to the Aboriginal industry unleashed during Australia’s disastrous socialist experiment under Gough Whitlam.  That industry created lunatic expectations that no responsible Government could even consider. 

Some of you will remember the call that went out from the loony left more than a decade ago for an apology to Aborigines.  For what?!  Giving them civilization?  Throwing billions of dollars at them?!!  Raising their life expectancy from 45 to 50 years? 

The great John Howard dismissed such insanity, but now we’re seeing the same call from the neo-progs who stole the last elections. 

Not in my name, Ms Gillard. 

Remember the ‘stolen generation’?  Myth.  The genocide in Tasmania?  Myth.  Thoroughly refuted, you will remember, by Australia’s pre-eminent historian, Keith Windtunnel. 

Yet even Governor General Garrett, whose ‘principles’ have proven to be remarkably elastic, clings to these fairy stories.  Only this week Garrett tried to shut down a conference at the University of Sydney held to discuss the historical accuracy of the so-called Aboriginal 'Holocaust'.  A conference with academics, people.  

Have the neo-progs learned nothing in all these years?  What are they afraid of?  The truth?

Mark my words: it's only a matter of time before the Aboriginal myths are back in text books.  Isn't it bad enough that our children are now being taught that the invasion of Iraq was a mistake

I don’t want to crow about my powers of prediction, but I saw the Darwin attack coming.  I identified the New Racism of the Labor party back in 1994, just after the riots in Redfern that shocked the nation.  I tried valiantly to point out the obvious: we are all brothers and sisters.  We are all equal.  Why oh why are we discriminating on the basis of race? 

But no, the comrades wanted separate rights, separate laws, separate courts, separate elections and separate services for Aborigines.  All based on race.  The New Racism. 

Well, Ms Gillard, you got your separation, and now you've got rockets landing on children.  I hope you and your whole sick band of loony lefties feel proud of yourselves. 

This will get a lot worse before it gets better, or my name isn’t Andrew Dolt. 

Seven News Update

Ian Ross: "We cross now live to Seven reporter Chris Allen who is outside St Mary's Cathedral in Sydney. Chris, what's the mood there like at this time."

[vision: stands opposite flood-lit facade of St Mary's. Crowds gather around entrance and down onto steps toward plaza.]

Chris Allen: "Very sombre indeed, Ian, as the Freiheit Battalion deadline now approaches.

Yet, the vigil here for Tracey Moffat and indeed for those three school teachers taken hostage this afternoon continues as the faithful, both Catholic and Protestant, pray tonight for something approaching a miracle.

Earlier this evening, the Catholic Archbishop of Sydney, Cardinal George Pell, and the Rev. Geoff van Schie of Sutherland Shire's Dutch Reform Church both addressed the capacity filled Cathedral.

[vision: throw to Rev. van Schie inside St Mary's at pulpit.]

Rev. Geoff van Schie [speaking forcefully]: ".....as Afrikans-Australians we all know how little good came from violence in the old country, surely. By embracing the opportunities we find here in our new home, in our new country, we have also to commit ourselves to a future of peace....

[vision over: Cut-away to white family sitting in pew.]

Rev. Geoff van Schie: "Not just tolerance, but total acceptance of our neighbours. Actual peace..."

[vision : Cut-away to Cardinal Pell at pulput.]

Cardinal George Pell: "As Catholics we rejoice in our devotion to the Prince of Peace. Our Lord Jesus so loved us, his children, whether black or white, Catholic or Protestant, that he gave his own life for us."

[vision over: Cut away to Aboriginal high school students holding candles.]

Cardinal George Pell: "As believing Catholics we have to follow in His steps. We have to emulate his Apostles who spread His good word by loving all our brothers and sisters in His name."

[vision: throw to Chris Allen opposite St Mary's. .]

Chris Allen: "So, they are praying here and elsewhere. But there's a real sense here this evening that time might be running out, Ian. And perhaps not just for the hostages."

[vision: throw to studio}

Ian Ross: "Thanks Chris. [faces to camera] In other news, a spokesperson for the Black January faction of the Uluru Martyrs Brigade has threatened that if the Sydney hostages are not released unharmed then retaliation will be, in his words, 'swift and certain'.

[vision: throw to amateur vision of masked men sitting before a large Earth Colours flag pinned to a wall. The men cradle semi-automatic weapons}

Masked man: "If our sister Tracey Moffat, or our brothers and sisters taken from the Kensington High School are harmed. Or not released. Then no white man or white woman in the occupied lands. No Protestant anywhere - will ever be safe until the day of Liberation."

"We charge the Gillard government. You decide. We want meaningful concessions or the blood of your own people will be on your hands."

[vision: throw to studio}

Ian Ross: "The Prime Minister Julia Gillard this afternoon re-affirmed her government's policy to not negotiate with terrorists."

[vision: throw to commercial break}


mike lyvers : "... whereas Jews came from Judaea, a state within Palestine."

Mike, doesn't the Torah chronicle the story of the entry into the "promised land" after a period of bondage in Egypt of the descendants of Abraham, who came himself from Mesopotamia?


Robyn, all humans ultimately (pre-historically) come from central Africa. In a historical context though, the name "Jewish" refers to the denizens of Judaea (or Palestine as the Romans called it) and their descendants, whereas "Arab" refers to the denizens of Arabia and their descendants.

Roslyn, there is no such thing as "race" except as socioculturally defined. Thus many people see Jews as a "race" distinct from Arabs, despite the fact that "race" does not actually exist, biologically speaking.

Freiheit Battalion realeases video

(ABC Radio News): An internet web-site sympathetric to the white supremacist group, the Freiheit Battalion, has shown a video clip of masked gunmen purportedly holding captive the Aboriginal Australian artist and photographer Tracey Moffat.

Ms Moffat was reported missing by family members and staff after she failed to meet an appointment with NSW Art Gallery exhibitions staff yesterday.

Her bullet ridden car was found abandoned in the outer Sydney suburb of Terry Hills this morning.

The body of her driver was discovered nearby.

In the video clip, Ms Moffat appears ashen-faced but otherwise unharmed and appeals to Prime Minister Julia Gillard to release from custody controversial Aboriginal Holcaust denial historian Professor Keith Windtunnel.

Amid rowdy scenes, Professor Windtunnel.was arrested by Commonwelath Police yesterday evening as he attempted to enter the Holme Building conference centre on the grounds of Sydney University, having arrived at Mascot Airport earlier in the day.

He was charged with three separate offences under the Commonwealth Holocaust Denial and Reconciliation Act 2008 and taken into custody.

An unconfirmed report broadcast on SBS Radio World News states that the Freiheit Battalion have given the Gillard government until Friday to release Professor Windtunnel or "face the gravest consequences".

Ms Moffat's family have called for calm and have pleaded with her captors to set her free.

Speaking on behalf of the staff of the Art Gallery of NSW, gallery director Edmund Capon told reporters "Tracey Moffat has worked for peace her whole life."

"It beggars belief that an artist, so respected and admired by black and white Australians, Protestant and Catholic, would be subject to such a horrifying ordeal."

"We are all praying for her safe return."

The Federal Attorney General Kim Beazley has dismissed as "insulting and absurd" claims by Sydney journalist and commentator Richard Neville that the videoclip showing Ms Moffat is "faked".

Mr Neville claimed on ABC 702's AM Programme this morning that the discovery of the video clip is "all too convenient for the Gillard government."

"Tracey appears wearing an orange jumpsuit and sitting on a white plastic chair almost identical to those seen in the notorious Villawood Detention Centre water torture images leaked to al-Jazeera last year," said Mr Neville.

"It would suit Gillard and her paladins perfectly at this point to crank up anti-Afrikans sentiment in this country."

"Anything to divert attention from Australia's illegal participation in the American-led occupation of Fiji and the so-called hunt for North Korean weapons of mass destruction there."

I'm Confused

Although I understand that facts need not get in the way of this narrative, my reading of Mr. Howard's initial article leads me to believe that the role of the Palestinians was being played by Aboriginal Australians and Israel was represented by "Anglo-Australia".

If this is indeed the case, then one wonders if Messrs. Lyvers and Parsons have jumped the fence in earnest or whether they're just trying to get a sense of how the other half lives.

Careful, gentlemen, sometimes it only takes a taste and you're hooked!

Marek, my example was a little different than Will's

- please read it again. I followed Will's lead in thinking up my own hypothetical, inspired from a previous discussion with another contributer.

The question of who is "indigenous" to the ancient Roman province called "Palestine" depends on how far back you go, as that region has been colonised repeatedly, most recently by Arabs and Jews.

P.S. as an aside -

- it may also be helpful to note that Arabs came from Arabia, which is far from Palestine, whereas Jews came from Judaea, a state within Palestine.

Responding Appropriately

I get a feeling that Will wants this to be something along the lines of a Hypothetical where we indicate the flow of events that would follow from the premise.

I find that hard to do as pretend news articles because such articles only represent the surface responses, not the underlying actions and thinking.

In the initial article he presents I think the actions taken by an Australian government concerned about internal politics would, I imagine, be quite harsh. A more thoughtful government trying to actually resolve the situation would take pretty realistic steps to stop the attacks first and then look to finding a way to dissolve the issue (note I didn't say 'resolve' which implies a solution to the complaint).

To stop the attacks requires a legal mechanism that forces countries to be responsible for attacks launched from their territory. The country in question is then expected to deal with the attackers as a high priority criminal matter. If they cannot or will not do so within a short period of time then the UN escalates the matter, requiring the country to seek assistance by way of resources and expertise in bringing the attackers under control. If the steps have been given a reasonable chance then it’s time for other nations under the UN to consider stepping in and resolving the problem, with the cooperation of the country or removing that country’s government if they refuse to cooperate.

Of course those steps are open to abuse by parties not acting in good faith. The "assisting" resources could have an interest in seeing the intervention brought on or at least allowing the attacks to continue, so safeguards would have to be included in the protocols to avoid vested interest from warping the process.

Also, while these steps are being undertaken the target country is suffering from attacks and will look like its doing nothing, which is a tough spot to be in.

This would all require a system of binding international laws and protocols that are not aimed at one particular culprit but can be applied whenever the same circumstances arise, regardless of who is involved.

Finally it all comes to naught if the original issue is not dealt with. Dealing with an Aboriginal "take Australia back" movement would require looking at what the differing members of the movement really want. Some would be inflexible irrationalists who could not be dealt with but who could be isolated, especially if the majority of the movement felt they were being listened to, understood and taken seriously. The land rights movement has been a step in that direction, although beset with difficulties both legal and emotional. It will probably require changes in Australian politics and attitude as well, ones which should have arisen before the problem became a successful causus belli for the terrorists.

Anyway, you are welcome to apply what I just suggested to both Will's article or to the Israeli situation and see how it might pan out. I think a proper Hypothetical would give a group of people roles to play in the scenario to test how things could play out.

Re: Responding Appropriately

Danny Stevens writes "I get a feeling that Will wants this to be something along the lines of a Hypothetical where we indicate the flow of events that would follow from the premise.

I find that hard to do as pretend news articles because such articles only represent the surface responses, not the underlying actions and thinking."

That's a good point, Danny, and perhaps the wire-service-style release represents too superficial a treatment of what would be a complex issue. Both in my fictional situation and in real situations like Aboriginal reconciliation and land rights. Other international conflicts are also complex: Sri Lanka, Chechnya, the Basque region, West Papua, Israel-Palestine, to name but a few.

I take your point and suggest we expand the implicit brief to include more in-depth analysis and, I suggest, Op-Ed -style commentaries. What might commentators like Philip Adams, Andrew Bolt, et al. be writing about a situation like the one I presented?

GG denounces Sydney University 'Holocaust' conference

(ABC Radio News) The Governor General, Sir Peter Garrett, has strongly condemned the decision by the Senate of the University of Sydney to host a conference sponsored by Hamas Australia to debate whether the Aboriginal Holocaust has any basis in history.

The conference is to be chaired by academic Keith Windtunnel of the Real History Institute, based in the American state of Missouri.

"It greatly saddens me that the university has chosen to take this step," said the Governor General.

"While Her Majesty's Government holds steadfast to the principle of free speech, and we wholly respect the over-riding principle of academic freedom, I feel I must express our clear displeasure at this development."

"No serious historian doubts the reality of the Aboriginal holocaust which forms part of the collective moral responsibility of Australia."

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Prime Minister's office has said that Ms Gillard has directed the Attorney General, Kim Beazley, to enforce an outstanding warrant against Professor Windtunnel should he return to Australia.

"Keith Windtunnel has for years exploited legal loopholes to avoid extradition from the United States for Holocaust Denial charges," said Ms Gillard.

"He will be arrested the moment he sets foot on Australian soil."

"His announced visit is little more than a deliberate provocation calculated to worsen the sectarian violence in the Sutherland Shire."

Great stuff!

Thanks, all who have contributed to this exercise. It's all very interesting and  revealing material.

A special thanks to C Parsons: brilliant stuff! Very clever indeed.

Latest Polls

(ABC Radio News November 1st.2007)


With just one week to go before the Election the latest Newspoll shows that Mr. Beazley’s approval rating is at 4% with Labor trailing the Coalition 20% -80%.

When asked about these figures Mr. Beazley said “I am happy with these figures as my own approval rating has jumped 2% since the last poll, and this should lay to rest any talk about a Leadership challenge, besides a week is a long time in politics and I expect to bounce back”.

Kevin Rudd when asked about the possible Leadership challenge said “I repeat what I have been saying for months, Kim has my full support, and besides it is up to M/s Burrows who makes all the decisions in these sort of things”. When questioned further Mr. Rudd said “Labor does not worry about these Polls as the numbers do not add up in our favour, and the pollsters always ask the wrong sort of questions”.

M/s Gillard and Wayne Swan were not available for comment on the Poll figures as they were on Hayman Island as guests of Macquarie Bank.

Diversion, diversions and dishonesty.

How predictable are the "New Order" Liberals.

What ever is the most current disgraceful issue in which the Howard Government has been involved, the apologists scramble to the fore.

Polls can be skewed to suit the answer required - that is a fact.  Peter Hartcher from the SMH inevitably has a confusing array of "possibles" which, of course, hide the real feelings of the contributors.

However, the Age, of the same stable, consistently puts an issue in the black and white, yes or no catagory.

For example, the Age ran a "poll" on: "Is the Liberal Party no longer liberal?"

The result was 78% yes.

Labor has been consistently criticised as not having alternative policies.  This is just paid for comment media crap.

The problem with current Labor is that they are trying desperately to be honest, whereas the Liberals, State or Federal , will never give a sucker (citizens) an even break.

The future of our Nation is not in our hands - it is in the hands of the U.S. and the Corporations - because the information we will be fed will be contrived to push Howard's barrow.

The last 10 years of destablising Australia has produced enormous, even obscene, profits for the Corporations.  Howard has now given those Corporations the very heart of our Constitution.

"If you can remain calm while all around you are panicking - you don't fully understand the situation"!

"I weep for my country".




Ernest William, it sounds as though you have had a miserable weekend what with the IR flop in the Victorian election where Labor lost seats, despite the fact the Unions pushed the IR factor. However it looks as though the people saw through the union propaganda and voted on local state issues.

Then came the poll that that showed Beazley has hit an all time low, but of course according to you they are skewed. He really is a loser and I hope he is still the leader when the election comes round.

You say "The problem with current Labor is that they are trying desperately to be honest" you have got it half right, they are desperate. They do not have a single person who could possible lead this great country of ours.

"If you can remain calm while all around you are panicking - you don't fully understand the situation"! I think you are the only one who is panicking along with Combet and Burrows, the rest of are getting on with our lives and you should do the same. The "good old days" of union thuggery are over and you can just go out and get a job without having to belong to a union.


Security increased around Pittwater Nuclear Power Station

(ABC Radio News) New South Wales Police and Commonwealth security forces have cordoned off a five kilometre radius around the Pittwater Nuclear Power Station at Palm Beach this morning.

NSW Police Minister Peter Debnam announced that the security cordon is a routine security measure and not specifically related to on-going tit-for-tat clashes between pro-white Protestant militias in the Little Bay area and Aboriginal groups based at the Catholic Reconciliation Church of La Perouse in Sydney's south.

The Pittwater Nuclear Power Station is operated by the Guringai Land Council under terms arising out of the Kyoto Two Protocol global warming agreement signed last week by the Gillard government.

The Pittwater Nuclear Power Station is one of several facilities indicated on maps and also shown in a video uncovered by NSW Police in a raid yesterday on the offices of the Freiheit Battalion, a white-supremacist group with suspected links to the Protestant Republic of the Netherlands.

The Guringai Land Council supports several community development and technical training initiatives in the La Perouse area.

"There is no immediate threat to the power station and we regret any inconvenience to Palm Beach residents," said Minister Debnam.

The security cordon is not expected to be lifted for at least a week.

Hamas Australia claims blast responsisbility

(Associated Press) - A spokesperson for the Australian wing of Hamas, Asif et-Khould Hapen Hehya, has accepted responsibility of behalf of that organisation for a suicide bombing in an Aboriginal community in northern NSW.

"The UN decision to create a so-called Aboriginal homeland is based entirely on the assumption that the Aborigines have a prior historical claim on this region," said Mr Hehya.

"The basis of this claim is a patchwork of ancient myths and religious fables that have no connection with the historical reality that for over 200 years non-Aborigines have had possession of New South Wales."

"Moreover, the whole Stolen Generation Industry and the Aboriginal Lobby have attempted to manipulate world political sentiment by peddling concocted accounts of a so-called Aboriginal Holocaust."

Hamas Australia has outraged historians world wide by announcing a competition for the best essay disproving the Aboriginal Holocaust.

The competition is to be adjudicated by renegade historian Keith Windtunnel of the Real History Institute, based in Missouri.

Meanwhile, the group Christian Jihad has claimed responsibility for an explosion in the basement of a fish and chip shop in Dapto in the Australian state of New South Wales.

An Illawarra Defense Forces spokeswoman says the explosion was caused by a faulty gas heater in the shop basement.

The Christian Jihad website states that the explosion "was a significant victory over the forces of global imperialism."

The Gondwanaland meme

Pyongyang: North Korea's President Kim Jong Il has denied that his call last Thursday for the 'annihilation of the Anglophone entity occupying Gondwanaland' constitutes a threat to the sovereignty of Australia.

Speaking before a state-organised mass student rally in Pyongyang's Kim Il Sung Square, President Kim renewed his nation's support for the "total liberation of Gondwanaland which will happen very soon, God willing".

North Korea withdrew all recognition of Australia in May 2009 in protest against Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard's backing for US President Barack H Obama's draft UN Security Council Resolution calling for tough sanctions on the reclusive Communist regime in the wake of its occupation of the Japanese island of Tarawa.

The North Korean regime is widely thought to be funding the hard-line 'Black January' faction of the Uluru Martyrs Brigade which has claimed responsibility for a string of suicide bus bombings in Sydney's strife-filled La Perouse district, the site of tense stand-offs between Indigenous Australians and white South African settlers.

Quoting his father, the late Kim Il Sung, President Kim said;

'In the ceaseless struggle between the oppressed peoples of the world and the grasping parasitic entities that are the running dogs of the Great Imperialist Satan, we the people of Korea will put at the disposal of our Indigenous Australian brothers our full weight as time ticks away in the countdown to the annihilation of the Anglophone entity occupying Gondwanaland'

While students and other protesters attending North Korea's annual Liberation Day rallies frequently carry placards calling for the destruction of the 'Anglophone entity', this is the first time that so high a ranking North Korean official has openly called for Australia's destruction.

Academic Clive Hamilton of the Australian National University's left wing think-tank the Australia Institute has cautioned, however, that President Kim's remarks should be understood in context:

"According to our own independent translation, President Kim's remarks seem to have been misinterpreted and misused for right-wing political purposes."

"In Korean, the word for 'annihilation' can be read to mean 'phase out gradually through a process of democratic consensus'."

"President Kim's statement that 'Brisbane, for example, is utterly expendable and easily within range of our ballistic missiles' has been misrepresented by the Murdoch media as some kind of threat to attack the Queensland capital when clearly President Kim was stating that he wouldn't go to Brisbane on holidays in a pink fit though it is not very far by air from Pyongyang."

A North Korean government spokesman has stated that the detonation of a 20 megaton nuclear weapon on Saturday was for "peaceful purposes" and not linked to the establishment of a North Korean test missile firing base range in Fiji.

Rules of engagement

Will, I felt decidedly nervous when I realised that as almost sole moderator this weekend I’d be the one fielding whatever came in on this thread.

So far, to my relief, most of the contributions have been thoughtful and, at times, entertaining.

However, in view of the couple that have been DNP’d, may I add to your comment that “The advantage of this approach is that no one need get into bunfights about the "facts." There are no facts in this contribution. Only the places named actually exist,” the following injunction: the use of other Webdiarists’ names – even in slight disguise – is unacceptable.


(Associated Press) - An Australian who refused to acknowledge the UN decision to designate a small part of northern NSW as the sacred Aboriginal homeland became Australia's first suicide bomber on Friday. The person, who cannot be named for legal reasons, walked into an Aboriginal camp wearing a suicide belt of bombs made by friends in Hamas (the Islamist terrorist group dedicated to the destruction of Israel), proclaimed "death to all Abo scum!" and then detonated the device, killing 20 Aboriginal women and children including 3 infants. A local property owner, the suicide bomber had been offered similar land nearby, but had refused to accept the UN's offer due to a longstanding hatred of Aborigines.

With Johnnie conceding defeat

With Johnnie conceding defeat and tucked comfortably on board with Janette, the last fleet departed today for the mother country despite rumours that Maggie had come out of retirement and like a modern day Bodicaea was heading for the coast of Scotland calling the Poms to arms, screeching: "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the fens, we will never take them back...". And more rumour has it she's sent out a desperate call to Monseignor de Lapin to help defend the coast of Ireland.

Meanwhile, back in OZ, as a parting gesture, the Minister for Rural Reconstruction had asked Air Vice Marshall Nelson to order in the dam busters to restore the landscape, in a spirit of leaving things as we found it. But the Minister for Water wasn't consulted and had made an early departure anyway, so no one knew that in a fit of pique he had taken it upon himself to spike the last dregs, open all the gates and deliver it to those whingeing farmers that had decided to stay put. So the whole show was a bit of a fizzer and Nelson is left pondering how to tell Johnnie when they all get home, that the bouncers didn't bounce and Guy and his mob finished up martyrs in the mud, or whether he could just get away with a little white one, and say that the b.....s all deserted and the Kiwis are refusing to hand over the hardware.

But things are getting back to normal, the bush is on fire, the roos are hopping for cover, and the smoke signals are rising, warning that mob on the Yarra that the Redfern boys are heading south to settle that issue once and for all.

There's just the little matter of those stranded over in the West that everyone in their hurry to leave forgot about, but Johnnie has emailed the Dutch to see if they wouldn't mind seeing if they could find the place again and give a bit of a hand, but not to let those Froggies know. Now canny people, the Dutch. They've been waiting for revenge for quite some time.

So let us all start at the beginning again shall we, and see if we can't make a proper job of it this time. Why can't we be a bit more like that bloke from Damascus? He really knew how to conquer. Trust the Poms to stuff it all up.

Oh hell, Will, Malcolm is right. We should do something useful. But then again, who wants to do the week's washing up a girl has come back to. And here was I thinking I was giving him a lovely surprise in coming home early. Not a good idea, girls. Never mind dear, I see you have made progress on the shed.

An Eastern Wall

BEIJING. A little-known clan of the Han people, the Xi-wei Li, has laid claim to a small corner of Tiananmen Square, and is constructing a barrier to give them control of access to this land.

Members of the sect, known in the West as Raelites, have been digging beneath the Square in the search for relics to establish proof of their prior ownership of China. They have recovered artefacts, including a golden scroll inscribed in hitherto-unknown script, and a sealed jar containing a circlet of human skin.

The sect's leaders have provided a translation of part of the text, which suggests an intergalactic traveller was entertained by a tribal chief in Bronze Age times. In return for tea and scones, the "god" bequeathed the descendants of the chief with sole rights to all of the territory around the Yellow and Yantgtze Rivers. The passage describes how the chief sealed the deal by snipping some excess skin from his anatomy.

The Raelites are examining the ring of skin, and are confident it will contain enough remnant DNA to clone the ancestral chief. Raelite myths tell of a reconstituted patriarch who will direct the building of a wooden rocket ship in which all the Raelites will be transported to an undisclosed destination.

Raelite spokesmen in Australia say genetic analysis of the skin will prove they are a distinct lineage from the Han people. The genial authorities of Beijing smile in response, and suggest the gangsters should just "look in the mirror".

The police are looking on in amusement at these activities, and deride the need for force to evict the trespassers. "Rationality will win in the end," they say, "the history of mankind is that obsessions cannot rule over good thoughts and loving-kindness. There is no need to act rashly, or to descend to provocative denunciation."

The Raelites’ secret project in Beijing is believed to have been underwritten by donations from New Zealand channelled through shelter companies and fake charities. Authorities in Australia are also "looking into" claims of political fraud and deceit. But a government spokester has derided calls for an official inquiry. "We have set the laws to allow larger secret gifts to political parties, and that should be enough to stifle opposition. I suggest those people who want free speech, transparency and a general all-round fair go should look at emigrating elsewhere," she said.

UN and Human Rights Groups speak out


GENEVA: The United Nations, Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch today spoke out in condemnation of Australia’s policy toward those Australians who have been denied full citizenship and kept under a brutal occupation.

A spokesman for the Peoples' Front for the Liberation of Indigenous Australia, Maniway Tobringfreedom, said the group represented those Aboriginal people who had continued the fight against the colonisation of their country .

Mr Tobringfreedom said he and his people had continued to live on Aboriginal land until it too was occupied by Australia and illegal settlers moved in. The resistance against this further colonisation had brought increasing violence from the Australian Army and the Aboriginal lands had been turned into a prison where people were subjected to daily humiliation and constant violence at the hands of the Australian soldiers.

Mr Tobringfreedom said he and some other resistance fighters had managed to flee to Timor after the Australian Government instituted a policy of assassinating resistance leaders and began to demolish the homes of the families of resistance fighters.

He said the attacks using home-made rockets were the only way his people had of fighting back against the aggression of the Australian occupiers who used the latest in military technology, supplied by the United States army, to bombard Aboriginal villages.

Mr Tobringfreedom said that 19 members of his extended family had been killed in a recent missile attack by the Australian Army and 120 people from his village, including family and friends, and including women and children, had been arrested and imprisoned by the Australian Government.

“They are killing our children,” he said in tears. “They are shooting them through the head. Our women are giving birth at checkpoints and the babies are dying because the soldiers will not let them through. They are sending in bulldozers to demolish our homes, even before people have time to leave. My cousin, who was brain damaged, did not get out in time and died in this way. So did my uncle who tried to save him.

“How can we not fight? How can we just let them keep on killing us and do nothing? The Australian people would fight if this were being done to them. The Australian people ignore what is being done to us and that means they become the enemy along with their soldiers. If they do nothing about the human rights abuses and war crimes committed by their Government and their army then that means they support it. I mean, the German people were blamed for what their Government and Army did so why should not Australians be blamed?”

A spokesperson for International human rights groups working in the Occupied areas of Australia, Ms Ifinonee Somethingcouldbedone, said it had also been found that the Australian Government had a policy of torture for imprisoned Aborigines, including women and children.

She said the abuses of human rights and the war crimes which had been documented against the Australian Government had led to United Nations Resolutions demanding an end to the occupation but this had been consistently ignored by Australia.

"No-one condones the violence used by the PFILA," she added," but it is important to remember that while their rockets have killed two people and injured four, the Australian Army has killed, in the same period, 1000 Aborigines and wounded 3,000.

"What we want to do is stop the violence on both sides so we can get some humanitarian aid into these people and also so we can assist them in safety because our people are also targets of the Australian Army. We have had two of our people killed by AA soldiers and four injured.

Mr Tobringfreedom said his resistance group was tired of waiting for justice. He said those Aborigines who had become citizens of Australia were treated as second class citizens anyway and those who had not were subjected to constant persecution and had more and more of their land taken away.

He said his people would continue to fight with stones if need be in order to bring justice and to reverse the policies of ethnic cleansing and colonisation.

He said there could be no peace until justice was done and he called upon the international community to bring Australia to the negotiating table.

Mr Tobringfreedom said the Australian Government had rejected all overtures for peace and had continually broken a ceasefire agreement which his resistance fighters had honoured for more than a year.

He added that his people had every right to demand the invaders and colonisers leave and go elsewhere since that is what they were trying to do to Aboriginal people.

"They are trying to push us out," he said. "They are trying to kill us off and denying us justice. The Government has talked of 'solving the problem' with ethnic cleansing. They want us gone. Why shouldn't we want them gone?

“And everyone condemns us for violence but we are only fighting to free ourselves from occupation. Why not condemn the Australians for their far greater violence which they use to occupy and colonise?

“The Australians have to stop shooting and start talking. They are the ones with all the power. They occupy us, we don’t occupy them. They use massive bombs on our tiny villages and we send tiny rockets into their big towns. They do it because they want our land, they want to get rid of all of us and we do it because we want to be free. Everyone wants to be free. Everyone has a right to be free. Why not us?”

The United Nations spokesman, Mr Generallyhelpless Buttryingallthesame, said he condemned the suicide bombings carried out by resistance groups but he also condemned the massive and disproportionate use of military force which the Australian Government used to maintain its occupation.

Mr Buttryingallthesame said in the past decade some 100 Australians had been killed, half of them soldiers and some 10,000 Aborigines had been killed, most of them civilians.

"No-one denies there is suffering on both sides," he said, "but there can never be a solution to this problem without negotiation."

He went on to say that neighbouring governments had offered to participate in peace talks but their overtures had been rejected by the Australian Government.

"It would be good to see them do more," he added, "but of course these sorts of things are always more complex in terms of the relationships between Governments," he said.

"Unfortunately Australia has lost a lot of friends in the region because it has a history of aggression and everyone feels uncomfortable about the terrible suffering the Aboriginal people have to endure at the hands of what is clearly, the most powerful nation in the region, at least in a military sense. And Australia has the US by its side, pouring in money to fund the continuing colonisation and to fund the military, to such a degree that other nations in the region have no doubt that Australia has the military power to more than look after itself.

"No doubt that power also worries some of Australia's neighbours and anything which keeps it in check is seen as a plus. Perhaps that is why so little has been done about Aboriginal suffering. It keeps the Australian Army busy when it might otherwise be interfering elsewhere in the region.

“At the end of the day justice must be served in order for all of this killing to stop and there can only be peace when all Aborigines live in freedom. The Australians have to accept that.“

More Nooz

Tel Aviv, Someday (CNNNN)

Australian ambassador to Israel and former Labor MP Michael Danby has slammed "loose talk of parallels" between the Australia/Aboriginal conflict and the Israel/Arab conflict.

Speaking on condition of prominent headlines, Mr Danby said, "The whole vexed question of who is indigenous, who is occupied, who is conqueror, ought to be consigned to the wastebasket of ideas."

"This is about the war on terrorism, pure and simple. It's about the right of free people anywhere to live in sunny California, wherever they choose to set up stumps."

Mr Danby added, "Have I mentioned recently that successive Australian Governments, up to and including the present Gillard Government, have enjoyed strong, friendly relations with Israel?"

Uranium news from Rootus

I'm game

The Hague, Sunday (Rootus) The World Court has announced today that it will hear a claim for ownership of Australia's Uranium.

PFLIA lawyers have filed claims that given the indigineous population of Australia were custodians of the ore for ten of thousands of years the Howard Government has no authority to control its sale and distribution.

A US State Dept spokesperson explained that "This is exactly why we took over the middle of Australia. Do you think we'd let a bonanza like this be subject to petty local squabbles? Whoever wins, the US will be happy... we've won already !"

Australian territory holds over 30% of the world’s known uranium reserves.

The Director-General of the International Atomic Energy Agency, Mr Alexander Downer, dismissed the PFLIA demands as "Leftist activist conspiracy theory" and added that George Bush would probably look good in fishnet stockings.


November 25 2006

Kim Beazley today announced that a Beazley Labor Government if elected would return all land in Australia back to the Aboriginal people. They would also pay compensation of 1Bn dollars to each Indigenous Australian for the harm John Howard has caused them.

A Labor Government would immediately despatch 2 patrol boats to Port Douglas to evacuate the sitting Labor member and his family.

He said, “This will not be an easy task to do, as it should have been done ten years ago, but Howard was asleep at the wheel.” Labor will complete this task of “Handback” over the next 280 years and will be handled in full consultation with the Union movement.

In the meantime Centennial House in Canberra will be converted at a cost of 512 billion dollars into a secure bomb proof bunker for all Labor MP’s and their families, so that Labor can oversee a smooth transition.

Kevin Rudd will be stationed in Washington to keep our good friend George Bush informed of the situation. We have always had a warm association with our US allies, and look forward to them joining the “Coalition of the Giving”.

Anthony Albanese will be in charge of mining all the uranium and exporting it out of the country to pay for this innovative Labor plan. Beazley said “The Aboriginal people would have no use for uranium”.

As an interim measure Mr. Beazley said “Australia will come under Sharia Law, thus ending the wedge politics of the Howard government”.

Mr. Beazley said “That if elected he will rule with the help of Mark Latham, and the two of them will guide Australia through this difficult period”. Julia Gillard and Jenny Macklin were unavailable for comment as they are on their way to London.

Mr. Beazley said “I will invite the Indonesian’s to send in 2 million troops to oversee the “Handback” and restore order to the suburbs of Vaucluse and Point Piper.

He also said “We will hold a secret ballot regarding what we will do with the enormous amounts of superannuation money locked away in accounts; this will be carried out by Sharon Burrows and Greg Combet who recently lost their jobs with the ACTU”.

He appealed to everybody to stay calm in the meantime.



By Piers Ackerman, Miranda Devine, Alan Jones, staffers and related sources

In one of the most poignant examples of global cooling combined with tectonic change in the Pacific Trench, scientific experts today announced news of a massive tsunami greater than ever seen in the North Australian/Timor Sea Area.    Incredible devastation was recorded as the initial impact wave reached 150m (winds light to variable).

An ashen-faced Prime Minister committed both remaining patrol boats in Australian territorial waters to search for survivors.    "We feel deeply for the people affected by this massive global tragedy, including those misguided people who are no longer capable of resolving their differences by a reasoned argument."   He said.

"All possible aid will be given to the survivors and we have despatched medical teams to affected areas."

Meanwhile, reports that no seismic activity had been detected by monitoring stations elsewhere in the world were discounted by scientists attached to the Macquarie Bank Sink Tank.   "It was a whopper", former Premier Bob Carr, an acknowledged and highly paid expert in the area, said.

Defence Minister, Brendan Nelson refused, when questioned, either to confirm or deny the whereabouts of the Collins Class submarine fleet:   "Use your brains, if we were using them, you could hear them coming before the wave front arrived."

"Nevertheless, all possible aid will be diverted to the area and we have sent in a squadron of F111s as a precautionary measure," a carefully coiffed Minister said as he smiled at news cameras while coyly diverting his eyes towards the ground.

Parliamentary Secretary, Malcolm Turnbull was quoted by un-named sources as saying: "Look, this is just a massive amount of water.   If we had the proper nuclear capacity we could harness it to benefit everyone."

Immigration Minister, Amanda Vanstone denied that the deceased children were in detention at the time of the attacks saying "This has saved the Commonwealth thousands."

The reaction from the Federal Opposition was predictable.    "What," said Senator Bob Brown, "is this Government going to do about the increase in cordite sniffing and its implications for global warming?"

As the populace yawned yet again, wondering why we bother, the fortuitous visit of Bono and the Live Aid Concert immediately launched by ABC2 raised a total of $36.20 which will be utilised in administration fees.

Ah, bugger off, Will.   Post something serious.

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