Webdiary - Founded and Inspired by Margo Kingston

“Oh, my head. What day is it? What Country is it? Who was that woman? Was it a woman? Was it only one woman? I MUST stop drinking absinthe. Go for the Greens they said. Oh, my head.    Where’s the … oh sorry… bloody cat. " Alphonse de Ponce.

Malcolm B Duncan, a prominent member of his local Kings Cross community, is a Sydney barrister known for saying what he thinks about or vice versa.  He intends standing as an independent candidate in the federal electorate of Wentworth. His least successful political slogans were "Come and have a beer with Duncan" and "Vote Donkey; Vote Duncan".  He is Chairman of the Taxation Reform Party (NSW) Inc.

I cannot but see, on my reading of this book and his environmental arguments, that good ol’ Al is one of the major assailants.    His hero appears to be the well known tergiversator, Abraham Lincoln, constantly described as “our greatest president”.    Call me old fashioned but I have never thought entry into civil war singled anyone out for greatness.   The only one of note that comes readily to mind as dying in his bed is Cromwell who, very wisely, stayed away from theatres.

Malcolm's rewrite of CS Lewis moves on to a new adventure for Johnnie, Peter, Alexander, and Amanda ...

A pre-Christmas finale to this long-running saga ...

"Nick the Knife who was the Minister for Administrative Affairs and his sidekick, Andrews the Sleek, were still puzzled by the reaction of the working party they had tried to form to design and implement an immediate move to AWA’s throughout the public service which would reduce all salaries and entitlements by two thirds. The public servants said it couldn’t be done and the White Paper (which had been produced in record time – a true tribute to the efficiency, skill, and dedication of the public service) ran to 3,000 pages. Apparently, it hadn’t occurred to the Ministers that asking a group of people to design a system which reduced their take-home pay and accrued entitlements by 66.6% might not be a task they would embrace with enthusiasm." From Chapter XI of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"They’d sent out about 3,000 black spots in the last week and Blind Pugh had worn his white cane down to the size of a pencil stub. It was looking increasingly like they had found a bloke who knew a chap who had a friend who had had a conversation once with someone who actually knew what was going on. There was a real and present danger that the truth would out." From Chapter X of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Mr Board’s crucial role, however, was to ensure that no-one was ever told about the scheme or knew anything about it. He was vastly experienced in these things having already been sent on trade missions about which he knew nothing to places as far afield as Mesopotamia and Persia. Little Johnnie thought it was a pity that we didn’t have Imperial Honours anymore because Mr Board definitely deserved a knighthood for this one. The Treasury Secretary said it would be sufficient reward to put him on the Board of the ABC and make him a Governor of the Reserve Bank. Mr Board liked that idea very much as he hadn’t been sacked as a CEO for a long time and could do with the cash. " From Chapter IX of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"There’s a lot of bombing the bejeezus out of all sorts of people around these days and Webdiarists seem to be much keen on discussing it.": Malcolm B Duncan

"Suddenly, it seemed, the US Supreme Court had started the job for him without warning or any chance of a fair hearing according to decently accepted principles of international law actually accepted by actual international lawyers actually. The Ship of State was adrift without a Ruddock." From Chapter VIII of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Nadir being a magical land, strange things were apt to happen on its periphery where it intersected the space-time continuum near the place we know as Canberra, the home of the House On the Hill or rather, in it." From Chapter VII of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Alexander had wandered away from the other children in search of the Fruits of Office. He supposed that the most likely way of satisfying what had by now become an almost insatiable craving was to find where the Queen lived. He had a notion that he would find her house in the electorate of Bennelong and had walked and walked and walked." From Chapter VI of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"British interests were still threatened in Canada, which the American Colonies shortly after purporting to declare independence had invaded (one of their first of many demonstrations of a bellicose foreign policy evident even today), the Spanish and their Caribbean and South American interests were sometimes a fickle friend and later a foe and there was the ever-present threat that the French would launch a nuisance attack on His Majesty’s possessions in the Great South land." Malcolm B Duncan

"One of the most difficult things in the world (apart from getting the top off an old milk bottle without tearing it or throwing up) has always been sexing a beaver. Corder, however, was an expert beaver-sexer and had, from an early age (strangely on an exchange trip to a wheat farm in Canada), learnt that the key was that beavers (naturally because of their diets) always smell of fish." From Chapter V of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Meanwhile, on the other side of the cabinet, Peter and Amanda had found an illegal immigrant and were torturing it. Peter was taking money out of its pockets while Amanda wrapped it tightly in razor wire so that it could not move without cutting itself." From Chapter 4 of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"Why not harness the asset that Webdiary is not only to its own community but to society as an whole. We have State and Federal budgets coming up. What do we, as Webdiarists want to see happen in those budgets? What would be the cost, how would we balance the competing interests and how would we fund it all?" Malcolm B Duncan

"His colour changed again, this time to the shade that old parchment has after it has been scraped back by obliging novices in a convent. He shuddered and a moment later, his face changed back again to the normal colour of Cabinet Secretaries, finely lined by thin red veins pumping port and other spirituous liquors." From Chapter 3 of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"The first rays of the dawning sun began to flood the eastern window of the upstairs bedroom at Kirribilli House spreading a magnificent kaleidoscope of colour above the bed on the opposite wall and highlighting in gold the manacles which hung from the bedhead. Little Johnnie had, of course, been out for his morning walk and his presence in the room carried the stale smell of protective services officers and liniment." From Chapter 2 of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis.

"The country had been plunged into war and, to keep the children safe, Peter, Amanda, Alexander and little Lucy had been sent as far from the reality of conflict as possible: Canberra." From Chapter 1 of the Chronicles of Nadir, as told from the grave by Tom Lewis

"Quietly sitting in my eyrie above Fleet Base ensconced at my computer, I heard a strange sound – part cough, part coo – followed by a frenzy of white lightning as Claude the diabetic cat launched himself from complete sleep onto the balcony in attack mode. By the time I levered myself out of the chair, Claude’s fangs were firmly clenched in the body of a plump, exhausted, wheezing, and now bleeding pigeon tuckered out from hauling the large parcel attached to its left leg up to the seventh floor." Malcolm B Duncan

"Reports suggest that the small readership this sometime column has attracted has been anticipating further extracts both from the diaries and the despatches of that intrepid clerical spy, Jonathon Yorick DD. For the delay I apologise but I have been much troubled by the dating in Yorick’s manuscripts. For the record, I have had recourse to the following: Evatt  H.V. Rum Rebellion A Study of the Overthrow of Governor Bligh by John Macarthur and the New South Wales Corps 1938 Angus & Robertson Publishers, Australia; Wannan, B Early Colonial Scandals; The Turbulent Times of Samuel Marsden 1962 Lansdowne Press Melbourne; and the incomparably boring left-wing, nation-building twaddle of Manning Clark." Malcolm B Duncan

"History is hindsight with blinkers on. We see the source material through someone else’s eyes then reinterpret it. Literary criticism is a somewhat different task. Literary works are like children: we nurture them, cosset them, watch them develop and then send them out into the world to stand or fall on their own. They must make their own way in the face of their audience whatever we intended them to be. There is a tool, however, that the literary critic has that the historian does not. Sometimes, ever so rarely, an insight becomes available to the critic operating like a window on the author’s soul. So it was, gentle reader, that I made one of the most astonishing and significant literary discoveries (long suspected but never before blessed with evidence) in literary criticism as I soared my way through Yorick’s private diaries for the week of Trafalgar Day 1807." Malcolm B Duncan

In a surprise Australia Day announcement, John Howard reveals Governor-General has been placed on inactive list indefinitely. Formal Vice-regal functions will be exercised by Jeanette and the executive Council will be chaired by Howard's Chief of Staff to "increase efficiency and achieve economies of scale." Pru Goward sacked from HEROC – moves to Gold Coast and establishes Real Estate Agency and  shoestore. "It's a good thing we were tipped off" says Australian Editor Paul Kelly. North Bondi becomes New Zealand's largest city." Alphonse (Malcolm B Duncan) de Ponce.

"Imagine my delight in returning to the diary and despatches only to find, fluttering from between two pages, a laundry list. It bears testimony to the cost and difficulty of keeping a good warm watch-coat free of mud in a wintry Sydney Town. It also appears that Yorick spent an inordinate amount on seamstresses, all of whom one would have thought were convicts and whose labour would have been free. They appear to have been very obliging - at a price. Ink appears to have been in short supply and became more so with the publication of the Sydney Gazette, originally little more than a combination of the shipping news and a bowdlerized version of the Newgate Calendar including reports from Java and the Straits of Singapore as well as local hangings, floggings, advertisements of a personal nature (mostly for seamstresses) and what we, nowadays, would probably call garage sales. The historical insight continues to unfold." Malcolm B Duncan

"The Mitchell wing of the State Library of New South Wales is the repository of probably the richest source of early colonial history in the World. It is constantly yielding richer and richer treasures which not only augment our understanding but lead to a greater appreciation of what it is to be human. Webdiarists will imagine my delight, therefore, at being sconned in the archives by a large trunk which had been stuffed unceremoniously on top of an old case of taxidermists' delights. After I came to, I opened the offending missile and was enthralled by one of the most fascinating discoveries vouchsafed to the literary dilettante: the previously undiscovered diaries, letters and a personal historical note of one of the colony's earliest clerics and his daily observations of the people, the times and the politics of early Sydney Town." Malcolm B Duncan

"For over 30 years now, I have had a close association with Alphonse de Ponce, Astrologer, seer and clairvoyant. Given the political turmoil on so many fronts at the moment, I asked Alphonse if he would cast the gall-stones and tell me what the future held. The results were so startling I thought they should be shared with Webdiarists without delay." Malcolm B Duncan

"Now that it is clear from Ruddock’s slip of the tongue what is planned, all becomes clear. The States do not have to amend their legislation at all. What is undoubtedly proposed is that the States will pass a referring Act, the Commonwealth will pass the Anti-Terrorism Bill and the States will then re-enact it. ... This changes considerably what has to be done to defeat this legislation. Immediate pressure should be brought to bear on State Parliaments not to pass the referring Act." Malcolm B Duncan

"There is a growing divergence between the legal profession and parliamentarians over what we lawyers see as an obscene auction on law and order between the Government and Opposition both in this State and Federally." Malcolm B Duncan

"It is a common query: they're collecting all that money, stamp duty, land tax, payroll tax, fines, duties, registration fees, licence fees, etc; where is it all going? I suspect the answer is that an enormous amount is going in patching up infrastructure that is past its use-by date and should simply be abandoned. Far too much of it is going on the Newcastle-Sydney-Wollongong corridor and not enough on regional and rural NSW. My proposal is that we stop band-aiding and start rebuilding from the edges in." Malcolm B Duncan